John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I read this scripture and it occurred to me that as much as Christ came to give us an abundant life, it eludes many of us, including myself. I mean, think about it: what does abundance mean to us and how come we're not living it? We can blame the economy, family history, illness, and the general state of the world. Those are all understandable barriers to abundant living. But if Christ came to save and deliver us, then can he not break those barriers? Can he not give us just a glimpse of His greatness? Wasn't His salvation enough. Sadly, for a lot of us, I don't think it is. Do we really want to have an abundant life?
I'm one of those people who finds solace in things, not necessarily people all the time. I tire of people easily, but I somehow manage to develop a relationship with the abstract. The arts. Expression. I guess it's my drug of choice. When I forget all else and drown in a good book, a fashion show, a beautiful movie, and even a drag show, I get this high I suppose addicts get. (okay maybe not that extreme.) But I got lost in these things and they inspire new creative ideas and a new way of thinking about different topics and experiences. There is an abundance of freedom. Then I had a thought:
Why don't I have that same abundance of life when it comes to my religious faith? Why am I not that jazzed about the Gospel? How come I don't get butterflies in my stomach about Christ? I used to. Then reality set in and I chose to be a realist over the commitment to have faith in the unseen and the things to come. I guess sometimes having faith seems so childish and being mature means being prepared. Babes don't question; men do. And that's when intellect gets in the way. I know it has in my case. Then we let it hold us hostage.
I'm not so sure we always want to be free. It's easier to hold ourselves hostage than to go on the path of revelation and action. We can be the victims for a change. It's self preservation that only preserves lack. Then you hear those random stories of people who are having a difficult time, but still trust God. They are living abundantly because they choose to lean on him and give Him their dreams. These stories always annoyed me because I couldn't understand how these people could live and believe beyond their circumstances. Maybe some of it was jealousy. Even now.
And I've realized one thing: I'm not allowing Him to give me the abundant life, whatever it is. Perhaps we have different versions.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Self-Disappointment
I realized the main reason why I'm so upset and disappointed with my current circumstances is because I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. Sure, my power is finite and there are only so many good and bad things I can do, but just knowing that my efforts didn't do very much is painful. I've lived this restrained, limited, and conservative life expecting bigger things to happen and they haven't. Or at least they have, but I didn't take the opportunity to live in them. I expected my life to turn out like somebody elses. But then again, I'm different. I will always stick out like a sore thumb, so why exptect a conventional life experience?
I've given up on things. I've never tried things. I've backed away from life in many ways. And I'm angry at myself for doing that. As much as I've had some wonderful experiences others haven't, I still fill unfulfilled because I haven't let go. I haven't entirely let go of preconceived expectations I set for myself when I was 12. I haven't let go of my fears. I feel held hostage in a lot of ways. Some of it is my own doing. That's the hardest thing to get past when I'm trying to heal. How do I get beyond myself?
I've given up on things. I've never tried things. I've backed away from life in many ways. And I'm angry at myself for doing that. As much as I've had some wonderful experiences others haven't, I still fill unfulfilled because I haven't let go. I haven't entirely let go of preconceived expectations I set for myself when I was 12. I haven't let go of my fears. I feel held hostage in a lot of ways. Some of it is my own doing. That's the hardest thing to get past when I'm trying to heal. How do I get beyond myself?
Strength to the Weary, Power to the Weak
Is. 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I was just sitting here pondering this Scripture. It's uplifting to know that we have a Father who knows/understands our weakness and doesn't hold it against us. He is the ultimate symbol and manifestation of strength and sustenance. Life would be empty without Him. Then I thought about how I have and haven't necessarily applied this scripture to my own life. I'm wondering why I can't break free from of my own weariness and weakness because I have grown tired and I have fallen.
We've got the world fooled, some of us Christians. We paint this portrait of endless power, joy, and completeness, but we don't share how we struggle. We don't share our testimonies. We don't walk naked and honest about our struggles and hardships. Some of us are quick to look down on fellow believers who are suffering from addictions, depression, anger, etc. Then we wonder why many people don't have much respect for us and our God. We don't talk about how we're not sure when or if "it will be okay." We don't talk about the dread we wake up with every morning. We don't talk about the loneliness. We don't talk about how gradual the healing process is. I used to think we could just pick up and move on until I had my own breaking point. We don't talk about how we have our own existential crises. Sometimes we make others feel as if their feelings about an issue or experience are unworthy of consideration. I think in our efforts to be spiritually strong, we confuse that with natural strength but want to call it the Holy Spirit. We think telling people to be strong and pray is the antidote, but don't tell people how long it may take to retain that strength. Sometimes I get the impression that some Christians use the faith as the one time cure all when it's not. Christianity is a journey and a relationship that evolves. There are days we don't want to get out of bed. There are days we are weary. Times when we are disappointed with ourselves. Times when depression lasts are year longer than we expected.
But I know one thing: I have a Father who loves me and knows my pain. He knows how I sometimes feel alone in my struggles to overcome my fears. He knows I get tired and want to give up. He sees me naked everyday. He gets me. He even gave me a brother and an extra helper to keep me going. That's comforting some days. Then some days it's not. But I guess what matters most is that He is our strength and our power when we are at our weakest moments. Even when these moments last for over a year, it's but a blink of an eye to Him and restoration is on the way. He knows how I hunger for release and reinvention. He knows how I suffer from my own disappointments. He knows what I am passionate about. He knows where I lack experience.
I guess the strength and power comes from remembering that He knows us by our first and last names.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I was just sitting here pondering this Scripture. It's uplifting to know that we have a Father who knows/understands our weakness and doesn't hold it against us. He is the ultimate symbol and manifestation of strength and sustenance. Life would be empty without Him. Then I thought about how I have and haven't necessarily applied this scripture to my own life. I'm wondering why I can't break free from of my own weariness and weakness because I have grown tired and I have fallen.
We've got the world fooled, some of us Christians. We paint this portrait of endless power, joy, and completeness, but we don't share how we struggle. We don't share our testimonies. We don't walk naked and honest about our struggles and hardships. Some of us are quick to look down on fellow believers who are suffering from addictions, depression, anger, etc. Then we wonder why many people don't have much respect for us and our God. We don't talk about how we're not sure when or if "it will be okay." We don't talk about the dread we wake up with every morning. We don't talk about the loneliness. We don't talk about how gradual the healing process is. I used to think we could just pick up and move on until I had my own breaking point. We don't talk about how we have our own existential crises. Sometimes we make others feel as if their feelings about an issue or experience are unworthy of consideration. I think in our efforts to be spiritually strong, we confuse that with natural strength but want to call it the Holy Spirit. We think telling people to be strong and pray is the antidote, but don't tell people how long it may take to retain that strength. Sometimes I get the impression that some Christians use the faith as the one time cure all when it's not. Christianity is a journey and a relationship that evolves. There are days we don't want to get out of bed. There are days we are weary. Times when we are disappointed with ourselves. Times when depression lasts are year longer than we expected.
But I know one thing: I have a Father who loves me and knows my pain. He knows how I sometimes feel alone in my struggles to overcome my fears. He knows I get tired and want to give up. He sees me naked everyday. He gets me. He even gave me a brother and an extra helper to keep me going. That's comforting some days. Then some days it's not. But I guess what matters most is that He is our strength and our power when we are at our weakest moments. Even when these moments last for over a year, it's but a blink of an eye to Him and restoration is on the way. He knows how I hunger for release and reinvention. He knows how I suffer from my own disappointments. He knows what I am passionate about. He knows where I lack experience.
I guess the strength and power comes from remembering that He knows us by our first and last names.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Let the Right One Out: Black Girl in Bondage
If you're a movie buff like me, you'll see that this post's title is an homage to the Swedish suspence drama Let the Right One In. The film is about a developing relationship between two of the most melancholy tweens I've ever seen in my life. It's heavily intense, but I recommend it if you want to experience the unexpected and be drawn into something outside of yourself. A U.S. version of the film will be released sometime this year I do believe.
I was sitting her thinking about this film and a book I read years ago but most recently have picked up again called Black Girl in Paris. The book is about an African American 20-something who moves to Paris to live the lives of her most cherished black authors, especially James Baldwin. Both of these contributions to the artistic world got me to thinking about who I want to be and how I envision myself in the future. They've inspired me to construct a future, but the problem is I'm not happy with my present so the future seems light years away.
Let the Right One Out: I've lived a fairly controlled, restrained, and limited experience. I pride myself on being honest and out-spoken, but for the most part, I've lived a carbon-copy experience. I did what I was supposed to do. I went to church. I prayed. I made good grades. I stayed out of trouble. I was the head of the pack. I got involved in church. I didn't date. I didn't stay out past curfew. I went to school. I didn't complain. I wasn't a problem child. I look back at all these things and I see how much I didn't allow myself to really be a child or a teenager. I'm not saying I had the most horrendous upbringing, but I did all these things thinking they'd get me somewhere as an adult. I played it safe and created a monster people believed in: I was the good girl. I played the smart one. People expected me to go places and be something. I have a mind like no other. A relative once told my mom that I was gonna be something someday. She seemed excited and impressed. A friend told me I was the smartest person she knows. And all the compliments in the world don't mean a thing because I'm playing a role I thought I was supposed to play and didn't ask to be any different. I always knew I was a bit of an oddball. I always saw things differently than my peers. I've always had an overactive imagination. And sadly I haven't acted on any of this. I wrote a script for myself that has been thrown away and is waiting to be written.
I want to be a new me. Well, not so much a new me, but the me I've always been but kept stifled for fear of some puritanical judgment. I'm not the most modest or conservative person. And I don't desire to be anymore. I'm can be crude, lewd, outrageous. I think drag queens are beautiful. Retro fetishistic imagery is art to me and divorced from eroticism. I feel for the gay community. I believe in fairness. I want to be the black version of Dita Von Teese and show that black beauty comes in so many wonderful and lush forms. I'm open to dating outside my racial identity group. In fact, when I was younger, I invisioned my husband to be something exotic to me and he spoke a language I'd want to learn and he wasn't necessarily black. I want to wear netted veils across my fash and fishnets with back seams. I want to wear vintage clothes for the rest of my life. I want to go to a gay bar just for the heck of it. I saw a beautiful glass blown penis one time and thought whenever I get a house, I'll put one in the foyer to great my guests as they remove the shoes at the door. I want to live somewhere in Europe where nudity isn't some over eroticized commodity, but a natural human state.
I want to let this person out because she is the right one. I haven't because I've allowed Christian expectations to keep me stifled. I can't do this or that because it's "ungodly." Some of that may even be true, but I'm still letting other people determine who I should be just for the sake of their own comfort. I want to live with artists (filmmakers, writers, painters, dancers) and drink red wine for breakfast. I want to visit a nude beach where being naked isn't sinful. I actually want to go and visit people in the fetish scene. I don't believe sexuality and my religion should be divorced from each other. I'm just like everyone else: I don't want to be judged. I want to be the right me. I was thinking about Under the Tuscan Sun the other day and there was one character I loved the most: Katherine played by Lindsay Duncan. I remember when I saw I her, I wanted to be like her. Here she was the carefree woman who was sumptuous and happy. She was sensual and artistic. She enjoyed life. She had a bit of a pitfall in the movie, but she bounced back and fell even more in love with Tuscany.
That's the kind of existence I long for.
Black Girl in Bondage: That's who I am. Maybe I should contact Shay Youngblood to get free. I bought this book when I was 18 or 19. The title and the book cover struck me as something artistic and would tell a story I wanted to live in. When I first read Black Girl In Paris, I was impressed by the heroine's experience, even thought it wasn't always the best. I admired her for just leaving and creating a new life for herself, but I didn't think I'd ever want that experience so much until now. I started reading it again and it spoke volumes to me about who I am now and who I want to be. There's one line that made me want to cry: "I needed a map to help me find love and language, and since one didn't exist, I'd have to invent one, following the trails and signs left by other travelers. I didn't knoow what I wanted to be, but I knew I wanted to be the kind of woman who was bold, took chances, and had adventures. I wanted to travel around the world. it was my little-girl dream" (Youngblood, 3). I read that and I knew someone understand what it was like to want to be the entirety of who you are and to see life as a breathing artform. Then I started thinking about all these artistic things I'd been a part of and why I never continued them.
When I was a little girl, I used to make journals to chronicle my days and give them to my mother to read. My cousin and I used to learn dances from music videos and perform them for relatives. I wanted to be like Mariah Carey. I wrote poems and songs. I wrote stories I never finished. I started sketching in high school and hard an artist friend who said I was pretty good. Someone once thought another art kid drew a picture I presented as a visual aid for discussions about teen sexuality. I was accepted into a theater program my senior year in high school. Before I auditioned for the teachers, I previewed my monologue for students who'd been in the program for years. One of them said, "Now that's acting." I learned to sneeze on cue for the end of the year play Alice in Wonderland. Before I was accepted for the concert choir, the director worked with me and a few students for vocal lessons after school. I couldn't continue after a while, but the director believed in my voice. He really did. But I did become a mezzosoprano for the choir. I sang for classes at random because somebody heard I could sing. I did one talent show, but didn't do another because I didn't want to get booed again. I was accepted to a small Christian college with a scholarship to study theater, but I didn't go because I believed God wanted me somewhere else. I didn't even really want to go to that school. I thought I was supposed to. A sorority sister told me I was so beautiful that I should be in a pageant or something. Another sorority sister from another chapter said I should be an actress. In college, a friend said I had an anointing on my voice. I used to let people read my poetry.
Then one day I stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped reading. I stopped performing. I realized why I didn't continue these things: I thought they were fantasies and my colleagues were better than I was. I didn't believe I had the passion for these things. I didn't think I was good enough even though I thoroughly enjoyed these things. When I was in that play, I thought I would be nervous. But I went out on staage and forgot about them in a way. I was still aware that I was performing for them, but I felt free to be a fool. It felt normal and right. And real. One of my teachers said on a progress report that I had so much potential, but I wasn't letting go. She was right. Then I did what I was "supposed" to do. I went to school and got 2 degrees and I still don't feel fulfilled. I'm a Black Girl in Bondage.
I want a new life somewhere else. I want to be free.
I was sitting her thinking about this film and a book I read years ago but most recently have picked up again called Black Girl in Paris. The book is about an African American 20-something who moves to Paris to live the lives of her most cherished black authors, especially James Baldwin. Both of these contributions to the artistic world got me to thinking about who I want to be and how I envision myself in the future. They've inspired me to construct a future, but the problem is I'm not happy with my present so the future seems light years away.
Let the Right One Out: I've lived a fairly controlled, restrained, and limited experience. I pride myself on being honest and out-spoken, but for the most part, I've lived a carbon-copy experience. I did what I was supposed to do. I went to church. I prayed. I made good grades. I stayed out of trouble. I was the head of the pack. I got involved in church. I didn't date. I didn't stay out past curfew. I went to school. I didn't complain. I wasn't a problem child. I look back at all these things and I see how much I didn't allow myself to really be a child or a teenager. I'm not saying I had the most horrendous upbringing, but I did all these things thinking they'd get me somewhere as an adult. I played it safe and created a monster people believed in: I was the good girl. I played the smart one. People expected me to go places and be something. I have a mind like no other. A relative once told my mom that I was gonna be something someday. She seemed excited and impressed. A friend told me I was the smartest person she knows. And all the compliments in the world don't mean a thing because I'm playing a role I thought I was supposed to play and didn't ask to be any different. I always knew I was a bit of an oddball. I always saw things differently than my peers. I've always had an overactive imagination. And sadly I haven't acted on any of this. I wrote a script for myself that has been thrown away and is waiting to be written.
I want to be a new me. Well, not so much a new me, but the me I've always been but kept stifled for fear of some puritanical judgment. I'm not the most modest or conservative person. And I don't desire to be anymore. I'm can be crude, lewd, outrageous. I think drag queens are beautiful. Retro fetishistic imagery is art to me and divorced from eroticism. I feel for the gay community. I believe in fairness. I want to be the black version of Dita Von Teese and show that black beauty comes in so many wonderful and lush forms. I'm open to dating outside my racial identity group. In fact, when I was younger, I invisioned my husband to be something exotic to me and he spoke a language I'd want to learn and he wasn't necessarily black. I want to wear netted veils across my fash and fishnets with back seams. I want to wear vintage clothes for the rest of my life. I want to go to a gay bar just for the heck of it. I saw a beautiful glass blown penis one time and thought whenever I get a house, I'll put one in the foyer to great my guests as they remove the shoes at the door. I want to live somewhere in Europe where nudity isn't some over eroticized commodity, but a natural human state.
I want to let this person out because she is the right one. I haven't because I've allowed Christian expectations to keep me stifled. I can't do this or that because it's "ungodly." Some of that may even be true, but I'm still letting other people determine who I should be just for the sake of their own comfort. I want to live with artists (filmmakers, writers, painters, dancers) and drink red wine for breakfast. I want to visit a nude beach where being naked isn't sinful. I actually want to go and visit people in the fetish scene. I don't believe sexuality and my religion should be divorced from each other. I'm just like everyone else: I don't want to be judged. I want to be the right me. I was thinking about Under the Tuscan Sun the other day and there was one character I loved the most: Katherine played by Lindsay Duncan. I remember when I saw I her, I wanted to be like her. Here she was the carefree woman who was sumptuous and happy. She was sensual and artistic. She enjoyed life. She had a bit of a pitfall in the movie, but she bounced back and fell even more in love with Tuscany.
That's the kind of existence I long for.
Black Girl in Bondage: That's who I am. Maybe I should contact Shay Youngblood to get free. I bought this book when I was 18 or 19. The title and the book cover struck me as something artistic and would tell a story I wanted to live in. When I first read Black Girl In Paris, I was impressed by the heroine's experience, even thought it wasn't always the best. I admired her for just leaving and creating a new life for herself, but I didn't think I'd ever want that experience so much until now. I started reading it again and it spoke volumes to me about who I am now and who I want to be. There's one line that made me want to cry: "I needed a map to help me find love and language, and since one didn't exist, I'd have to invent one, following the trails and signs left by other travelers. I didn't knoow what I wanted to be, but I knew I wanted to be the kind of woman who was bold, took chances, and had adventures. I wanted to travel around the world. it was my little-girl dream" (Youngblood, 3). I read that and I knew someone understand what it was like to want to be the entirety of who you are and to see life as a breathing artform. Then I started thinking about all these artistic things I'd been a part of and why I never continued them.
When I was a little girl, I used to make journals to chronicle my days and give them to my mother to read. My cousin and I used to learn dances from music videos and perform them for relatives. I wanted to be like Mariah Carey. I wrote poems and songs. I wrote stories I never finished. I started sketching in high school and hard an artist friend who said I was pretty good. Someone once thought another art kid drew a picture I presented as a visual aid for discussions about teen sexuality. I was accepted into a theater program my senior year in high school. Before I auditioned for the teachers, I previewed my monologue for students who'd been in the program for years. One of them said, "Now that's acting." I learned to sneeze on cue for the end of the year play Alice in Wonderland. Before I was accepted for the concert choir, the director worked with me and a few students for vocal lessons after school. I couldn't continue after a while, but the director believed in my voice. He really did. But I did become a mezzosoprano for the choir. I sang for classes at random because somebody heard I could sing. I did one talent show, but didn't do another because I didn't want to get booed again. I was accepted to a small Christian college with a scholarship to study theater, but I didn't go because I believed God wanted me somewhere else. I didn't even really want to go to that school. I thought I was supposed to. A sorority sister told me I was so beautiful that I should be in a pageant or something. Another sorority sister from another chapter said I should be an actress. In college, a friend said I had an anointing on my voice. I used to let people read my poetry.
Then one day I stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped reading. I stopped performing. I realized why I didn't continue these things: I thought they were fantasies and my colleagues were better than I was. I didn't believe I had the passion for these things. I didn't think I was good enough even though I thoroughly enjoyed these things. When I was in that play, I thought I would be nervous. But I went out on staage and forgot about them in a way. I was still aware that I was performing for them, but I felt free to be a fool. It felt normal and right. And real. One of my teachers said on a progress report that I had so much potential, but I wasn't letting go. She was right. Then I did what I was "supposed" to do. I went to school and got 2 degrees and I still don't feel fulfilled. I'm a Black Girl in Bondage.
I want a new life somewhere else. I want to be free.
An Inconvenient Existence: Sour Milk
So I have been having this thought over the past week: My current space and time has led me to believe that my presence is inconvenient. Before you start calling the cops because you think I'm about to commit suicide, let me explain. What I mean is where I am in life (literally and figuratively) has caused me to evaluate my aspirations and the road that leads to them. Then it dawned on me that being in the physical location that I am has been the main reason why I feel trapped and emotionally/mentally/creatively stifled. It's like I'm living in an internal gated community and suffering to hell to try to find a way out. And because of all this, I think my being here is not only a major waste of my time and hopes; it literally is an inconvenient existence. Allow me to further explain.
Without reliable transportation, my hope of getting a better paying job is practically a figment of my imagination because most of the these jobs are in the city. Also, you have to travel almost an hour to get anywhere. Not to mention I get the impression from certain people that my presence is inconvenient sometimes because it may intrude upon their daily routines and plans. That's baffling to me and is one of the major reasons why I hate where I live. Now, I'm not saying people should give up there lives just because I walked into the room, but it makes it hard to be happy where you are when you feel as if you're getting in the way. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything here and really regret coming. That's an odd thing to say because I don't really believe in regrets. You live and you learn. But this 6 month experience has taught me that I have a life full of regrets and one of them was coming here. I came here to be inconvenient. That's sad.
I moved to get away from a really dark place (figuratively and literally) and then stepped into another one. And then arose the feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, fear, and extended depression. The irony of all this is that I moved to find a way to heal from all the emotions I just listed and then ended up living right back in them. That's the crazy thing. Moving meant a fresh start and a new life and I'm always wondering will I see in a new and better light if I move again. The scary thing is I'm not quite sure. Will I move to the next place and still feel inconvenient? Will I continue to go through this existential crisis? Will I reach my goal of having a concrete plan by the end of the year? I don't know. And that scares me worse than feeling inconvenient. The worst part of all this is I believe in this inconvenience. My being here is inconvenient. I don't have the support system I need. I don't have my friends that have become my family. I'm stagnant. I feel like I'm that carton of milk that's been sitting in the back of the refrigerator because someone forgot to drink me. I'm sitting here wasting away and will soon be thrown out. I'm sour milk that can't seem to make it's way out of the fridge.
Without reliable transportation, my hope of getting a better paying job is practically a figment of my imagination because most of the these jobs are in the city. Also, you have to travel almost an hour to get anywhere. Not to mention I get the impression from certain people that my presence is inconvenient sometimes because it may intrude upon their daily routines and plans. That's baffling to me and is one of the major reasons why I hate where I live. Now, I'm not saying people should give up there lives just because I walked into the room, but it makes it hard to be happy where you are when you feel as if you're getting in the way. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything here and really regret coming. That's an odd thing to say because I don't really believe in regrets. You live and you learn. But this 6 month experience has taught me that I have a life full of regrets and one of them was coming here. I came here to be inconvenient. That's sad.
I moved to get away from a really dark place (figuratively and literally) and then stepped into another one. And then arose the feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, fear, and extended depression. The irony of all this is that I moved to find a way to heal from all the emotions I just listed and then ended up living right back in them. That's the crazy thing. Moving meant a fresh start and a new life and I'm always wondering will I see in a new and better light if I move again. The scary thing is I'm not quite sure. Will I move to the next place and still feel inconvenient? Will I continue to go through this existential crisis? Will I reach my goal of having a concrete plan by the end of the year? I don't know. And that scares me worse than feeling inconvenient. The worst part of all this is I believe in this inconvenience. My being here is inconvenient. I don't have the support system I need. I don't have my friends that have become my family. I'm stagnant. I feel like I'm that carton of milk that's been sitting in the back of the refrigerator because someone forgot to drink me. I'm sitting here wasting away and will soon be thrown out. I'm sour milk that can't seem to make it's way out of the fridge.
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