I realized the main reason why I'm so upset and disappointed with my current circumstances is because I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. Sure, my power is finite and there are only so many good and bad things I can do, but just knowing that my efforts didn't do very much is painful. I've lived this restrained, limited, and conservative life expecting bigger things to happen and they haven't. Or at least they have, but I didn't take the opportunity to live in them. I expected my life to turn out like somebody elses. But then again, I'm different. I will always stick out like a sore thumb, so why exptect a conventional life experience?
I've given up on things. I've never tried things. I've backed away from life in many ways. And I'm angry at myself for doing that. As much as I've had some wonderful experiences others haven't, I still fill unfulfilled because I haven't let go. I haven't entirely let go of preconceived expectations I set for myself when I was 12. I haven't let go of my fears. I feel held hostage in a lot of ways. Some of it is my own doing. That's the hardest thing to get past when I'm trying to heal. How do I get beyond myself?
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