5/31/2011- Sundance and Seduction
http://www.sundancechannel.com/seduction/#goods/quiz
5/16/2011-Still Not Ready
Okay, last night I was having a conversation with God and I asked him for the wisdom to develop relationships with the opposite sex. When I say relationships, I don't just mean romance. I also mean acquaintantships and friendships. Then I got to thinking about why asked for that. The answer is:
I'm still not ready.
What I mean by that is, quite frankly, I don't have anything to offer someone right now outside of the general lack of interest in being an active dater. I don't want to go out on dates or get set up. I'm not in that head space nor is it a genuine desire of my heart. And I definitely don't want to be one of those people who expects for the other person to come with a certain amount of money, job, experience, ABC & D without having something to share on my own plate. That's ludicrous and in my opinion, immature. If you think about it, fairytales never really talk about what the princess has to offer a prince. He comes to save the day and what does she do? Absolutely nothing. I don't want to be that woman.
I also realized, I still see myself in immature terms. I think last time was the first time I referred to myself as a "woman." That may come from me not living the "mature" life (having a secure job, my own place, my own money, etc.). So without that, I generally feel like I'm still a teenager waiting to graduate from high school. I would love to be taken seriously as a woman, but the thought just dropped in my head: Do I take myself seriously as a woman. I always wanted to be an adult and now that I am, I'm not sure if really have taken my maturation seriously. I still feel stunted in this area and I'm not mature like I thought would be by now.
I also prayed for God's wisdom because I don't want to make the mistake of expecting a boyfriend and especially a husband when that's not really what I'm looking for. I wanted to prayer to be super specific. I know one of the reasons why I've been so disappointed with my lack of romantic relationships was because I expected for the guy to want me in return and be a prospective husband. I totally bypassed the boyfriend stage! And when I did just want a boyfriend, I didn't want one for the right reasons. I wanted one because the girl next to me that I didn't like, knew, or didn't know had one and I didn't understand why I couldn't have one. My mind and my heart weren't in the right place. If I was open, I didn't get anywhere. If I was closed, I didn't get anywhere. If I was teeter tottering, I still didnt' get anywhere. And with one guy, I didn't know what I wanted from him. I didn't know If I really wanted him as a friend or a boyfriend. I still don't know if I wanted him to want me. But I do know that if I began to date anytime soon, I would be looking for a friend or a boyfriend and to take things slowly. I don't want to repeat past mistakes and I also don't want to be ruled by a chemical reaction; I want to know why I like the guy, why I want him, and why I want him to be a part of my life.
Pastor Andy Stanley has been a great help in putting all these things in perspective. On his weekly podcasts he delivers certain sermons. For the past few weeks he's discussed dating, sex, relationships, the myth of the right person, and how men should treat women. He asked two questions that turned on all the lightbulbs in my head: Are you the right person? Are you who you're looking for?
Sadly (or maybe not so sadly), my answer is no. I haven't thought of myself in those terms and never really considered what I have to offer someone until now.
So as you can see, I'm not ready in the least.
2/28/2011- When Will I Be Ready?
Yesterday as my parents and I were driving home from visiting relatives, we started talking about dating. My stepdad asked an interesting question: Are you afraid of dating? Of course my answer was yes because I do feel very romantically/relationally retarded having no experience whatsoever in dating and realtionships. I explained that I'm on the road to becoming more open, but I'm not in the mental, emotional, or spiritual space to even desire dating, however casual. Plus, I'm tired of initiating connections with men, period. I'm just not ready.
Then my mom asked an even more siginificant question: When will you be ready?
To be honest, I don't know. I haven't thought about in context of a time table. It may take a couple of months. It may take another year. All I know is my not jumping into something if I don't have enough grounding (confidence in myself) to participate in it. This is not to say I have low self-esteem. What I am saying is I'm not confident in my ability to develop casual or even intimate connections with men whether they become friends or boyfriends. I'm my experience, even when I just wanted to be friends with a guy, I felt like I was getting rejected repeatedly.
My stepdad said something crucial, too: Maybe you're confusing dating with actual intimacy. Meaning I'm confusing the dating process with trying to get married. That's not the case, but when I do consider dating, I don't take it as a casual action. To me it means you're forming a connection with someone to see if there's a possibility of serious relationship and marriage. I don't want a serious relationship or marriage so dating somebody, even if it's casual is a minefield to me. It opens the door to the possibility and because I'm not willing to accept that possibility as of now, I don't see the point of going out one-on-one with a guy.
Also, I rather it be someone I'm interested in spending time with. A guy asked me out a couple of weeks ago and I said no mainly because I don't want to go on any dates and not interested in him. And when I say I'm not interested, I am genuinely no interested in connecting with him on any level. Sure if I happen to run in to him somewhere, I'll be nice and say hello, but will I make an effort to be friends? No. I also felt like he was pushed on my in many ways so that also killed any interest that could have developed. If I want to be friends with or just get to know someone, I want it to be on my terms, not because four days after we met people keep bringing him as if they're expecting me to talk to him. That pissed me off a bit. Not that he's a bad guy, I'm just not interested. And honestly, I don't know if I would've said yes even if I was interested. You see, I'm used to being rejected by the guys I'm interested in on a romantic and sometimes friendly level. So I don't know how to accept the invitation. Excuse me for not knowing what to do.
So, no, I'm not ready single and ready to mingle. I need to do things at my own pace and if that takes the next year, then so be it.
2/11/2011- Submission and What We Don't Desire
Okay so, I had this epiphany a few weeks in the middle of Church service.
Our pastor discussed new beginnings, willingness, vulnerability, and the like in terms of our relationship with The Holy Trinity.
But he said one thing that I thought was really interesting: he discussed willingness and submission. Nothing new right? Well, that discussion was old until I gained a new perspective on it as it pertains to romantic relationships and my aversion to them.
I heard this voice say: "You not allowing me to allow someone to love you is not being submissive to my will."
I was dumbfounded. I had been harping on how much I didn't ever want to be married, dating, or being in love and all the while I ignored the fact that God never called me to a life of singleness. In a lot of ways I hoped he would so I wouldn't have to worry about disappoint or heartbreak. But when he said all that, I thought, WOW.
When I told a friend about my experience, she said something key to what it means to submit to whatever God's will is, no matter what it is.
"We have to also submit what we don't desire to God."
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd never thought of willingness, submission, and desire in those terms. Growing up in church, anytime they were referenced. It was always in terms of what we can do to exalt the church, keep our bodies holy, or moving to this place or for the job. It wasn't in terms of submitting the possiblity or lack thereof of a romantic relationship. Now don't get me wrong; the Church does acknowledge boyfriends/girlfriends, fiances, and spouses, but I had never heard a discussion of them in the context of my epiphany. Pastors, special speakers, and the like always seemed to talk to specifically women about being patient for God to send us our spiritual counterparts. Nobody'd ever talked folks like me who have such an aversion to romance that we unconsciously shut down when the opportunity presents itself.
Now this isn't to say I'm building some eHarmony page or asking people to set me up.
I still haven't found a reason why I would get married.
Let's just say I'm on the road to becoming more open to what man God has to offer me, even if I need to go through a few of them before I get to the one He wants me to be with.
Baby steps, y'all. Baby steps.
1/10/2010- Leaving: It's Always Expected
This post is in response to the one below:
I've been thinking about dating and relationships over the past few days. The catalyst for this thought process started about two weeks ago when I was hanging out with a few friends of mine. Here's the scenario:
We were walking through the make-up section of a department start and I started raving about fashion and make-up. Then when of my friends said: "Why aren't you married? You're beautiful. You're smart. I don't understand why you aren't married."
The other friend responded: "Well, we all thought that would've happened by now. Oh, and she doesn't want children either. But she'd be a great mother."
Then I went on to explain my problem with carrying life, but I couldn't tell her why I wasn't married or dating because I didn't have an answer beyond the simple fact that I just didn't want to.
A week later, one of these friends asked a few of us as we were browsing through the personal growth section of the bookstore: "If you were to ever get married, what we be your reason to do so?"
One said, "Companionship."
Another said, "Bonding and inimacy."
I jokingly replied, "Well, you see she didn't ask me."
My friend said she know how I felt about these things, but decided to ask me anyway.
So I sat and pondered. And I sat and pondered. And I sat and pondered. The rest of my friends went on to pick up other books to browse through and before I knew it, about 10 minutes went by and I still couldn't come up with an answer as to why I would ever get married. I still don't have one, but I did come to one revelation over the past two days:
I'm not looking forward to any kind of a relationship with a man because none of them stick around long enough. I'm always expecting them to leave. And that's how the turkey's roasted. I have such issues with intimacy (well, an aversion) because not only do I not have a relationship with my biological father, but every guy I've ever been interested in has not been that interested in me. One of two things happen: He either acts interested initially, but said interest wanes shortly after and what I mean by shortly doesn't constitute days but mere hours. Or he just doesn't come right out and say he's not interested; he just politely, yet impolitely rejects me. And there you have it. That's my dating life in a nutshell. I seem to attract the ones who don't care to make space for me in there minds.
Now you may be thinking, "Hey, you've turned some guys down too you know."
That's true. The difference between me and the guys above is that I'll actually tell them I'm not interested. There were even guys I weren't interested in that I decided to try and give a chance, but they were just as aggressive as I was when I wanted someone's attention. It turned me off. Now how is the pot calling the kettle clingy? Sad to say, I know some of these guys moved on to the next girl and are probably dating right now. I know one is actually married with a kid now. Sad to so, I'm glad I'm not his wife or the mother of his child.
I've now gotten to the point where I shut down if I guy shows me any interest beyond asking me the time. I'm already looking for a reason not to talk to them before they open their mouths. I used to be quite the flirt actually, now I don't even approach a guy to tell him he's cute because I know nothing will happen beyond that. Always getting knocked down by the hot guy.
Now what do I do with all this revelation.
As of right now, absolutely nothing.
12/13/2010- Dating, Marriage, and Parenting: Lack of Interest
I had a conversation the other day with my best friend since high school. She asked me did I think I needed a boyfriend/husband and she thought I would be a great mother.
My reply to all this was that as much as it seems nice to have someone around, I don't need a man. As for parenting, I honestly don't have the desire to carry life.
Now, I'm trying to understand why.
It's funny because when I was in middle and high school, I always thought I would be planning a wedding or married by now and planning with my husband when we would have our first child. It's interesting what breaking into your 20s can do. It's even more amazing what grad school and landing smack dab in the mid- to late 20s can do to a person, too. The last four years have been a world wind of revelation and dying desires or onces that seem to be growing. I don't want to be in a relationship (even if it is casual) and I don't want children. Period. I don't expect any of this to occur in the next 10 years. And I said one crucial thing as we waited for the Christmas party to starta:
"I'm not looking forward to any of this."
And I can't figure out one thing: Why does this bother me? I'm not losing sleep, but it does concern me that I don't even want to casually date and I don't want to be a mother. I used to want these things (whether or not they were for the "wrong" reasons). I actually used to look forward to all this. I had themes picked for my wedding and what I wanted the dress to look like. I thought up cool baby names. I prayed to get a husband someday. Now when someone mentions somebody getting married and having kids, I always ask why with this attitude of "why would you do something like that?"
Marriage scares the crap out of me. I just realized that. I mean I just understood that within the last 10
seconds. That's why I'm so afraid of dating because I know it will lead to marriage somewhere down the line. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody and caring for his children. I don't see it in my furute nor do I want to see it. I would honestly rather be by myself.
I'm leery of connection mainly because I tire of people so easily and often feel a bit claustrophobic. My mom even said that when I was a little kid I would get tired of playing with other kids after a short while and go play by myself. I still manage to do that as an adult. So being attentive to someone else and having that reciprocated is foreign and even off-putting to me. I even like the idea of being a bit off-putting. I wore black a lot during the 7th grade because I like the fact that I got a certain reaction from people: read leave me the hell alone. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm so territorial. It's not just about protecting my space, it's also having the power to let people know that the only way they can come in is if they are invited. I like that since of dominion (if you can call it that). I guess that makes me a control freak in so many words. But anyway, that's the just of what's been running through my mind for the last five weeks.
I guess I've lost (or never had) the authentic childlike ability to want to be included in things like this. I've never really wanted to be like everybody else anyone. But then part of me thinks I'm missing out on basic human interaction because I'm just not interested enough in becoming some huge part of somebody elses life and vice versa. I'm not interested in trying to include a new person anymore. I'm not even interested in casual relationships. Casuality doesn't require commitment, but I'm such a commitment oriented person that I don't know how to casually do something. I either do something or I don't.
I'm not even interested in having just a good guy friend and now I've realized why: it's because I don't want there to be a possiblity that we can grow to be more than friends. That's why I'm not the most comfortable around men unless we're joking or flirting. Beyond that, I just shut down. I don't want to like somebody anymore. It's funny because I wanted that at one point. I wanted to like somebody and have him like me back. Now, I don't care for it anymore. I don't care to be of interest anymore. I'm not even going to my church's single's ministry Christmas party because I don't even want to be remotely attracted anybody. My mom said my cousin (who's also single) and I should go do some activities like going to a free jazz show so we could not only just get out more, but maybe meet a nice guy who could just be a friend or more. I've been here a little over a month and I still haven't done anything. I'm afraid of being attracted to somebody because I don't want to be rejected because of one of these things: he's gay, married, or just not that into me. I don't want anybody to want me anymore because the last time I wanted that to happen, it didn't. I just don't want to take a chance on that anymore.
I'd rather remain uninterested (yes it's uninterested, not disinterested.)
10/16/2010- Sometimes I Wish My Mother Wasn't Right
In a blubbering fit of "I need my mommy," I called my mom the other day just to say and ask questions that had been brewing in my head for about two weeks:
Are you worried about me because I don't date? Do you wish I was dating somebody?
Of course she says all the "mommy-right" things about how she isn't exactly worried sick, but sometimes she did wonder why I haven't exactly branched out in the romance area. She even brooched the idea of making plans to "get out more" so that I may possibly meet somebody.
I told her not to set something like that up because it made me uncomfortable. She said the idea of getting set up made her uncomfortable, too. But then I actually explained why I was so uncomfortable "putting myself out there."
Then she understood. Then she asked me to repeat something I said. So I did:
"I don't want to date because I don't want to relive rejection and disappoint that all started in high school."
So that's about 10 years worth of phone calls never made, being stood up 4 too many times, 2 rejections in high school, and 2 or 3 more patterns beginning to repeat themselves in grad school.
So now do you get my drift?
Anyway, my mom said the one thing I didn't want to hear:
"You can't let what happened in the past dictate what could happen in your future. You should start tomorrow fresh and say to yourself in the mirror 'I can date.'"
Of course I didn't want to say anything, partially because I was seething and mostly because she was telling the truth. (Sometimes I hate that about my mom. Don't you hate it when the person you love the most tells you the truth when you need to hear it?) I knew she was right and I didn't want to believe it. It was almost like it was a challenge or something. It wasn't in a threatening sense; it was a genuine challenge to me to allow myself to be positive and progress. To grow, you know.
She even suggested I back track and look at why none of my "relationships" (I don't have another word for my interactions with these guys) and examine the pattern that always arised. And I did that. I while ago. I realized that usually I'm the one that makes the first move. Sometimes I was too aggressive. Maybe I said some offputting things that I didn't meant to be offputting. And that's all I could come up with. As for the rest, I don't know why nothing ever panned out. Not all of them were jerks. They were mere people who had the same needs and desires I had. We just didn't share all of the same body parts.
Then I told her this: "I'm tired of wanting someone who doesn't want me."
Her rebuttal: "That's life; it happens sometimes."
My counterargument: "But that happens to me all the time. It's never been a 'oh-we-dated-and-realized-we-should-remain-friends' kinda thing. I've been rejected by every guy I've ever been interested in."
We talked about past conversations we had about my belief that there was something wrong with me. (Part of me still believes it.)
And then I thought of all those times I was open; even laid back. And still, nothing happened in my favor. I was quietly rejected again.
I'm 25 and I still don't know why.
So now I have to decide if I'll take my mother's advice and actually do something. Try new things. Go to some events. Research things to do around town. And maybe I'll meet someone even if he only becomes "just a friend."
The last time I tried that, it backfired, too. It was like getting stood up for a date only it was a possible friendship.
And the problem with trying new things and getting out more as that, in this particular context, it seems to me that trying these new things is for the sole purpose of trying to snag some semblance of a male partner. With that thought, I'm way less likely to try this new stuff.
My mom said I should hang out with some single friends. I don't have any. At least with in a 3 state radius.
You can call these excuses.
I call it being realistic.
Even scared.
10/12/2010- Aversion or Something Like It
So I had a really interesting conversation a couple of days ago about being open to God and what he wants for our lives, especially as it pertains to romantic relationships. Then I heard I word I hadn't even thought to use when describing my sentiments regarding this issue:
AVERSION
That freaked me out a little bit. Do you know what an aversion is? It's pretty much a strong dislike of something.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly setting up a page on eHarmony or standing on a street corner trying to pimp myself for some male friendship, but I honestly didn't realize I had an aversion to romantic relationships. I would've said I have a healthy respect for distance and I'm quite claustrophobic when it comes to any kind of relationship. I need to not be so close to people for a reason. But I never would've labeled it as an aversion.
But then I thought about it and I realized it's true. In fact, romantic relationships repel me just a little bit. Or maybe even a lot. I also realized that I go into serious attack mode.
E.g. The conversation that sparked the appearance of said A word was about a show about a couple who worked together. My take on having not watched the show yet besides already watching another show that airs at the same time was that it freaks me out how two people can work together for 14 hours a day can find it in them to actually want to see the same person when they went home that night. Then wake up the next morning to the same person and repeat this all over again. I need a certain amount of distance.
Now, at first this seemed to me to be a harmless observation that illustrated my need for distance. I didn't even see it as a way to repel closeness. But with my track record, could you blame me? Even with all that said we can't let failures in our past dictate what could be possible successes in our future.
But then again, who wants to suffer the pain of disappoint or worst, a broken heart all in the name to invite closeness?
6/23/2010- The Myth of Missed Opportunity?
I was talking to a friend the other day about God, his timing, and our own desires for our lives. And because we always talk about relationships (and our lack thereof), I thought to ask a question neither of us had ever taken into consideration. Here's the scenario:
Say there is a man and a woman who live in the same area for months, even years but never actually meet each other. They go to the same coffee shops, the same grocery story, and even read the same books, but they've never met.
Then one day out of the blue they bump into each other and just happen to meet. Some people call it coincidence. Some people call it God's perfect timing.
If that's the case, are we really missing out on Mr. Right if it happens in God's timing? Have we really missed an opportunity for a wonderful relationship just because it hasn't happened yet?
6/8/2010- Singleness: A Choice, "Un"godly Desire, or FEAR?
I had this conversation with a dear friend about a week ago: singleness and marriage. We talked about our concerns and how this relates to the Church. (No this isn't a page or sited dedicated to discussions of Christianity, but because I am a Jesus Freak, I tend to take him into consideration in every area of my life. Big ups to Dad Upstairs.) She believes that having a companion or being married is a godly desire for some people. I don't fall into that category, which makes me wonder about my own perception and understanding of not only a committed relationship, but marriage in general.
So I got to thinking, why am I not very open to dating and marriage?
Don't get my wrong. I do believe we are relational creatures (no matter what religion or lack of religion we ascribe to). If you look at the whole story of Adam and Eve, romantic relationships (or relationships in general) do have their value. We need a support system and sometimes it doesn't always have to be a family member or friend. Sometimes we need someone to desire us. Sometimes we need our hands to be held. And sometimes it's just nice to have the hot guy in the room that everybody is staring at while you think "Suckers!" in the back of your mind and smile a smile of sweet revenge to those who bullied you in high school. (I guess that means I just want a trophy husband.)
For a while, I was totally against dating and getting married because it wasn't serving it's purpose for me: I didn't have a boyfriend and really dear guy friend and every time I tried to get one, things always backfired. My self-esteem has not only taking a few blows, but got totally drop-kicked in the middle of my dorm room right in front of one of my bestfriends. So as you can tell, I haven't had the best experience with men. But who has?
Back to the point at hand. All of that was out of bitterness and anger, but I'm still not in the position to accept a relationship nor do I try to make myself available for one. It's because of a lot of things: more concerned with career, re-learning who I am, discovering a newness in Christ, etc.
But I still wonder if I harbor some sense of fear about all this. I was telling a friend a few days ago that I feel like a late bloomer. How weird would it be to be out on a date with a guy you're really into and he asks about your last relationship? How do you explain you've never been in one? Then there comes the thoughts of judgment. He's gonna think one of two things: What's wrong with her? or This just may be my latest conquest. (And trust me, even the most Christian of guys can be turned off or scumbags.) Then your level of desirability dimishes.
The thought occurred to me that maybe I'm some sinful fiend who won't let God have control in all this. So am I godless or something? Or am I being realistic? Or am I scared?
For me, I think it's a mixture of things. I can honestly say dating/marriage is not some rainbow tinted, Scripture written desire that I have. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why. Quite frankly, being single is a lot easier than having to compromise all the time. But as a friend shared once, sometimes I don't want to have to do everything by myself. I totally agree. The problem is, I don't want to be in a relationship. Sure he can come by and paint my house, change my oil, take me to dinner, pay a bill, and take me shoe shopping. But to actually make an effort to include somebody in this small little life of mine is quite claustrophobic for me. I don't want anybody to take up the little space I have left.
5/24/2010- The Church: Exlusivity and Singleness
Over the past few weeks I've been a some conversations with some single Christian girlfriends of mine. We are all between the ages of 25 (well i will be in 2 months) and 31. Some of us have never been in a relationship. A few of us have bee in at least one. From what I know, all of us are still hymen-connected and believe in honoring God with our bodies. We don't subscribe to the Sex and the City view of dating, sex, religion, and relationships. We are also a group of women who aren't actively seeking a boyfriend. We open to the idea, but we aren't exactly praying for a husband. It's not a top priority. We are also a part of the universal church segment that has been largely ignored.
The Church largely focuses on family as if singleness isn't a life option. And when sex and relationships are a subject, teenagers are usually the main targets. Now, there has been some larger discussion of women in their late 30s and up living single, celibate, and satisified. I greatly appreciate that because we do live in an agist and sexist society that overlooks this subgroup. The downside is that this is also true inthe church. What's even worse as that my friends and are on the way to becoming this subgroup, but we haven't been adequately addressed. What are we to do when we want actively sex lives and are very comfortable with our sexuality, but we don't necessarily have a garauntee of a marriage at present or in the future? Not to mention that race is factor. Most of my dearest friends are African American and Asian American, so how does this affect us? One statistics states that white women marry 40-60% more or faster than black women. I don't know how true that is, but white women do see to marry before and faster than we do.
Many books out their for Christian singles, especially women, mainly focus on preparing to met your match. Or getting yourself together to get a man. Or grow more in love with Christ to get a man. Yesterday, I started doing some research on the percentage of single Christian women. I found something rather disturbing: instead of getting actual statistics, I got a bunch of dating websites. And this was just on the first page. As all single Christian women are looking for man. I'm not. My friends aren't. But we are women who have sexual and emotional desires.
My question is, why aren't there more books for singles who want to take a stand for Christ without the expectation of some day getting married?
4/29/2010- It's Me, O Lord, In Need of Prayer
A few days I had a very interesting conversation with my sister about the most recent post below. It seems that buppy women are having a hard time finding their male buppie counterparts for a plethora of reasons. I am not yet a buppie or seeking a romantic relationship (or even a male friend for that matter), but it got me to thinking about my own issues with relationships. And my sister hit some nails on the head that I had only really spoken to a dear friend about:
The reason why I don't want to have any kind of realtionship with a men is basically fear. Not the classic jitters about wanting something to work, but of insecurities, inexperience, and cynicism. At one point, I was against romantic and plutonic relationships all together. (Not so much anymore, but I still have my concerns.)
All of this is mainly due to my past experiences with men in general:
a. I don't have a healthy relationship with my father.
b. I've been stood up 4 times too many in my short life span.
c. Even when I opened myself to accepting a really close male friend, I was stood up again.
So there you have it. It's not just a cautious nature about romance; it's a caution toward even male/female friendships. I haven't had a close male friend since high school. That was 7 years ago. And the few guy friends I do I have, I feel really uncomfortable opening up, especially considering these people are married. (That could be awkward.) I'm even cautious toward my bro-n-law and stepdad! All this stuff makes me really uncomfortable.
Now it's a question of what to do about it. I know what to do, but I'm not at the place where I'm ready to do much about it.
I said a prayer the other day, asking God for help and guidance about this issue. That was the scariest prayer I've ever prayed. Prayer isn't supposed to be scary. This is the first step to some kind of recovery, revelation, and deliverance.
I've never been so scared in my life.
4/25/2010- Why Is it a Black Woman's Burden?
I've had a few discussions about the supposed plight of single professional black women: they can't seem to find another single professional black men.
Now there are many factors to this apparent loss: married men, jailbirds, gay men, society's treatment of the black man, and brothers who date non-black women.
Then I got to thinking: why is this really an issue? Is it more of any issue of wanting a prototype or is this an isaue of not actively trying to connect? Why are we missing the mark?
I honestly don't know. Why are we trying to connect in the first place?
Has it every occurred to us that sometimes we're some of the problem?
Love: HUH? (originally published 7/30/09)
From a series of conversations at work, with friend, much prayer, general inquisitveness, and reading, I've come to ask a certain question of myself and you as well: If love has such healling power and freedom, then do I really want to heal if I am not willing to accept love?
In talking to a few people and reading The Culturally Savvy Christian where the author Dick Staub talks about 1 Cor. 13 and the apostle Paul's discussion of love or the agape (God's kind of love) which is unconditional and people-serving. This got me to thinking about the conversations I've had about romantic relationships and how everytime someone mentions that they think I'll someday fine love (there a whole more optimistic than I am). That made me question whether or not I really want to heal like I say I do.
There's a particular comfort in pain: it allows us to protect ourselves from the risk of a broken heart. I don't think any of us wants to be one of the broken-hearted, but are we really willing to go out on a limb for this kind of love? No I don't mean just friendship and the "hop into bed with you" type of love; I mean genuinely sacrificing your wants and needs for the survival and establishmen of someone else. Do we really want to edify each other and carry each other on the shoulders? Are we really tired of the drama of lost romances and failed attempts and creating these kinds of relationships?
My said truth is that I can honestly say I'm not willing. I'm not willing to forgoe the comforting glasses walls of pain to let anyone in. I'm not ready or willing to heal yet.
I've finally admitted it to myself. I don't want to "heal."
What I mean by "heal" is pretty much move on. Who wants to move on when they will once again be disappointed?
It takes courage to love someone and even more courage to accept it.
Plus we're so used to loving each other from the natural and always expecting something in return. Love appears to be framed as a selfless act but nobody wants to be selfless anymore (including me).
One of my coworkers said it is better to have loved and lost than to have loved at all.
I don't necessarily believe that's true. Let me rephrase that: I don't want to believe that's true, but in reading the Bible passage, Paul kept reiterating that if we perform all this acts even if they are good, then we have nothing without love. He was primarily speaking of the love of God (agape). But I was also thinking of what I said yeserday: "I'm not willing to give my career goals and life aspirations for a husband and children." A family is the most visual evidence of unconditional love that will sustain even through the most difficult time. Then I thought, if Paul's right, then I will probably never have "love." I'm not willing to give up what I want to raise a family and actually be in love with someone who wants to love me back even through all my neurosis.
I am without love. Or at least the familial kind.
You know, a lot of people pray that God will open their hearts or others' hearts so they can experience that love. Strangely enough, I'm not one of those people.
Are you?
Women vs. Men (originally published 6/26/09)
I was having a conversation with some female co-workers the other day about relationships and our past negative experiences with men. One young woman was highly upset and seemed quite disheartened about the idea of a relationship (not that I blame her) and concluded that all men are "STUPID!" This got me to thinking about my own experience and how this generation of young women has been framed by two extremes: those that have no standards and those that have too many.
Those that have no standards are giving those who do a bad name in a sense. We've blamed men for our problems for so long without even considering the idea that we are the major cause of the problems we have with men. (Edit: were are some of the cause of the problems we have with men.) Some of this is because some of us have unrealistic standards. Now, please, stop moving your toes. This is a touchy subject, but men aren't all bad (stupid); I just think that a lot of them are highly misguided (along with some women). We are a product of not only biology, but our cultural surroundings as well. Men aren't nonemotive just because they are physiologically men. It's more to do with the society we live in that has infantilized men into being introverted whiners to a certain extent. Now, this isn't all men, but it seems this generation of Millenials is producing a wider relational gap since Women's Lib. This begs the question of, has WL of the '60s and 70s actually screwed women over when it comes to relationships?
We demand equality, we demand rights, and we mostly demand respect that isn't being received. Now as I said, men are defined by their personal experiences. Some have been physically abused, some have been emotionally neglected. And then there are those select few who are generally wasting God's space by being essentialist jerks. They have the right to breathe too, but after listening to the young women, I came to a conclusion: we're all tired of being told to stop nagging or whining, which is actually getting at the heart of an issue, but having to put up with their nagging and whining. We're being framed as asking too much. Since when was asking for some respect too much of a burden for a man to do? It's a double standard. One of the older co-workers chimed and said it seems that our generation of women aren't giving men a chance and at least listening to their concerns and that we seem to be expecting too much. Now, I know she didn't mean this in any offense, and after thinking for a while, I totally agree. But the problem with all this is what I said before: we offer our shoulders and t-shirts for their snot, but most of us don't have that reciprocated when our needs need to be met. It sounds like a case of the double standard to me.
This isn't my opportunity to man bash, but when you've been through a lot when it comes to men, you'd be frustrated too. Yeah, because we're intimidating because we have jobs, don't necessarily want marriage and kids, and are extremely independent. This leaves men feeling unneeded. That's true: you are an accessory, not a necessity. I believe that an overwhelming majority of men overestimate their importance. And just because a woman is self-sufficient doesn't men she doesn't want a partner. She can want you,but she doesn't need you. Get it right! And there's some stuff we're not putting up with anymore and please don't make the mistake of interpreting our passion for our independence as hostility. Just like you, we have a past. I'm "intimidating" because of my ambition that was driven by a need to be free of a broken home and my mother taught my sister and I to depend on God, because quite frankly, a man isn't going to always be there. We aren't frustrated for the sake of being frustrated; we're frustrated because some of us feel like we're not being heard or anyone is attempting to understand us. For some of us, this is a life or death situation (physical and spiritual, at least for me). We aren't personally trying to "intimidate" men, we're just trying to survive. Just like the next man is. If there weren't any balls in the family, we had to grow them. So the next time woman may seem a little tense on the subject of men, it's not necessarily because she hates them, it's that she's suffered.
So for any guy reading this, I know you've suffered too. You're just not willing to talk about. Don't make the mistake of ignoring a woman's feelings, but expecting her to cater to yours. It's time for all of us to grow up. The biology claim is now a cop out. Repsect is a given. It should be reciprocated. Women, don't give too much of yourselves to the wrong man. Have respect for yourselves and eventually the man who cares for you will return it. Have self-respect. Don't expect too much from each other because we are all imperfect.
