6/8/2010- To be or not to be... Married or Single
So some friends and I have been discussing the possibilities of romatic relationships and marriage in our futures. Not surprisingly, there isn't much prayer, faith, or love when it comes to these issues. Especially since most of the folks we know are dating or on their way to jumping the broom. I don't even really know how that makes me feel.
So this got me to thinking: is this really a possiblity for me? You see, I've never been relationship-prone. (Yes, there are relationship-prone people.) I think it was something I always shied away from, even in elementary school. (You know, kids tease you because they saw you with some other kid, then they start singing the sitting in a tree song. It always made me uncomfortable, but not because it was embarrassing; it's more so because it seemed too expectant. Yeah that's me at 8 years old being a flaming intellectual.) I always thought it was quite weird. And after enough teasing and ass rubs (yes kids sexually harass each other whether they're joking or not), I think I shut down and didn't give it much consideration. After all, I was only in elementary school.
Then came the ugly phase of middle school which I prefer not to remember (bad year book pics, discovering you're not like everybody else, baby fat still attached, and the ungainly lack of interest in my physical appearance). I wouldn't say I had the lowest of self-esteem; I just didn't consider having one. Needless to say, I never went to school functions outside of the regularly scheduled field trips and in school auditorium sessions. I didn't even go to my 8th grade dance. Why, you ask? I didn't see the point. It was all a bit mature for me. I thought that was stuff you did when you were in high school and had a boyfriend. Not to mention all the ghost stories of sexcapades past that I was hearing from 11 and 12 year olds. It was highly inappropriate to me. Then it got worse... in high school.
High school was middle school extended into the teen years. It was like middle school on meth and antidepressants. So these are the years where you "court" aka "screw" other teenagers and eventually break up before you go to college. Some lucky few actually continued their relationships afterwards. I wasn't one of them. I wasn't even in the "court" aka "screw" category. This wasn't entirely of my own doing; there just wasn't anyone I was really interested in getting to know. I didn't have that whole "you like me/ I like you scenario." Not to mention I still didn't have a "self-esteem" so to speak. I still didn't care what I looked like. That was my form of social/civil disobedience. Most of the people i knew who looked the best and wore the best clothes were complete idiots and I didn't want to become part of that squad. So I actually made the effort to not be pretty, not that I was some Hollywood beauty to begin with. I thought beautiful people were stupid. So I concentrated on becoming an even more flaming intellectual. And that continued... into college.
College was horrendous. I made the mistake of expecting a boyfriend and later marriage during that 4 years of my life. We've been given this expectation that you date in high school and/or college and by the time you're 25, you should be registered at Tiffany's and picking out baby names. That didn't happen to me. So there I was, 19 years old and finally interested in getting into a relationship and how I looked. I realized my appearance had a lot to do with male attraction. The down side of this interest were 3 guys I wasn't into, 3 that stood me up, and 1 who actually met me for a date, but then acted weird afterwards. (That may have something to do with me calling a friend in the middle of the date bc I planned to pick her up from class. Can't remember if I said that at the beginning of the date. My bad, dude.) So in 4 short years, no make that 2 bc that's when I was really serious, I was rejected 3 times by people I was interested in, even if one of them was an out of the closet jerk. The said part was I initiated all of this. I strategically placed myself in their way, I made the phone calls the text messages. I actually made the effort. And it got me absolutely nowhere.
Then came gradschool when I just gave up on the idea of being in love and became the most cynical black female I know. I even prayed that no one would be interested in me and if they were, I didn't want to know. That's exactly what I got. (Be careful what you pray for. I couldn't get too upset with the results.) Not to mention, where I was wasn't exactly a breading ground for the multiplication of the cute. Yeah I met one guy that seemed somewhat interested in me, but as usual, the interest fizzled after about 20 minutes. I once again took on the roll of initiator.
I've never really been chased. I've always been the predator. Now that I've decided to sit back, I haven't exactly assumed the role of prey either. I guess I'm the rabbit still hiding in the burrow.
So I've gone through this Shakespearean thought process about all of this. Am I even dateable/marriable? I haven't exactly had any practice and as a mid-20 something, that isn't something to really be proud of. It's not the most embarassing thing, but it's not something to shout to the hills that are alive with the sound of music.
So what do I do? Do I become a product of my own experiment and go out on a bunch of dates just to say I have? Cuz Lord knows I like to tell a good story. Do I sign up on eHarmony? Do I just continue to not make an effort? Or should I let someone set me up on a blind date? Lord knows that's one of my biggest fears. I can't stand the idea of being set up. It freaks me the freak out! I just don't want to live with someone's expectation of what they think I should have.
Or do I live with the idea that I may never be in a relationship or married? But I can't stand the celibacy (shout out to the Christians). But I'm not exactly rolled in the fetal postion at night singing "All By Myself" either.
This isn't a uniquely female issue, but it is one of my mine. Can I be a bachelorette for the rest of my life? Or am I truly open to sharing someone else's last name? (That I'm not too sure about because it's speaks of patriarchal ownership and I am not property, but a woman. There's a difference.)
Virgin/Whore Complex (originally published 6/16/09)
Hello, everyone! I've recently been reading a book called The Happy Stripper: Pleasures and Politics of the New Burlesque by Jacki Willson. It's basically a historical, cultural, and political discussion of burlesques influence on the discussion of feminism and vice versa. She talks about such burlesque acts as 19th century The Blonds, Lydia Thompson and the 20th and 21st century acts as Gypsy Rose Lee, Dita Von Teese, Immodesty Blaize, etc.
This got me to thinking about her discussion of the representation of female sexuality. On the one hand, we live in a culture predicated by "Christian" (this is in no way criticizing Christianity; it's more of a critique on the nature of hypocrisy in some who claim to be Christian) ideals of morality and purity (The Cult of True Womanhood, e.g.), but female sexuality is presented as a commodity based on sexual hedonism ("lads' mags" like Maxim, Playboy).
With all this in mind, I kept thinking that we live in a world of binaries: rich vs. poor, black vs. white, beautiful vs. ugly, fat vs. skinny, and so on. That got me to thinking that binaries oversimplify the human condition and experience. Take the virgin vs. the whore. The virgin represents purity, immaturity, and innocence, while the whore represents adulteration, experience, and guilt. Has it every occurred to anyone that a woman can be both? We can both be moral figures (virgin) and we can also experience sexual pleasure (whore). Why does female sexuality/pleasure have to be framed as something sinful and adulterated? How come only the virgin can be moral? We women are complex individuals just like man and I think we need to start considering how we define ourselves sexually. I remember an episode of the Tyra Banks Show when this same discussion became a heated debate. The episode featured a divided group of women: one group supported female spectatorship of pornography while the other didn't. Of course we have our own preferences in how we express our sexuality and what entertainment to indulge in, but why is this such a divisive issue.
This leaves me thinking: will we ever be free of the virgin/whore complex? In this culture of democracy, are we really free to construct, deconstruct, reconstruct our own personal sense of sexuality? Willson also discusses how in the post 9/11 world, democracy is hailed largely through images of U.S. women being scantily clad while the image of a Muslim woman in a hijab is considered anti-democracy. Which is more free, veiling or unveiling.
This also led me to think that freedom is a subjective term. One young Muslim woman in Willson's book stated that her freedom was being taken away from her when she was ordered to remove her headdress at school in France. It appears to her that freedom is her right to practice her religion. Freedom in the States (or the West) seems to mean the right to be naked. If that's the case, then why did Janet Jackson have to apologize for her exposed breast? (Whether the exposition was a publicity stunt is debatable.) Also, California has a plethora or pornography production houses and sound stages (I believe in the San Fernando Valley--Feel free to check The New York Times website about a rise in AIDS cases in the porn industry). Millions of Western dollars help fund the pornography industry, but a young Muslim woman is chastized for wearing her traditional headdress which is a part of her religion? There is a level of hyprocrisy in all this.
This also contributes to Willson's discussion on how the new burlesque has become so glamorized as opposed to purposefully challenging audiences to think about social issues as it did in the late 1800s. Now, don't get me wrong, I like the glamour. That's one reason why I am a fan of Dita von Teese and Immodesty Blaize. But with all this glamour, are we or aren't ignoring the larger issue of manufactured beauty that expects a woman to sell (prostitute) her sexual image? Why is a woman only recognized when she is glamourous? (Another burlesque artist in the UK by the last name of Martinez [i forget the first] follows in the vein of Lydia Thompson and is highly political, but I've never heard of her. It seems that only glamour is worth publicizing). Then when a woman is highly successful especially in a male dominated profession, we expert her to be virginal (get the job by her intelligence not sex), then we choose to believe she slept her way to the top (prostituted her body for the job). In this case, why does a woman always have to use sex to be successful? Has it ever crossed anyone's mind that we are actually highly intelligent?
In any case, female sexuality is very powerful. I guess it just depends on how you use it.
Woman, Feminism, and God (originally published 6/23/09)
I'm sitting here at work, taking a break and reading Introducing Feminism when the thought occurred to me that the arguments in feminism are largely directed toward this society of patriarchy. That got me to thinking: How does Jesus fit into all of this?
"Millet (b. 1934) insisted that sex is political because the relationship between males and females underlies all power relations" (p. 117).
There are some arguments that the Bible is highly political, patriarchal and therefore sexist (especially considering that all the books were written by men). Even as a devout Christian, I could say these are valid arguments that I even agree with. But with all that said, is feminism more of a struggle against physiological (biological) nature created by God (that's if you're a believer) or a struggle against patriarchy (even if you are a believer)? It seems that it is a little bit of both:
From Shulamith Firestone- "If women were not required to go through pregnancy and the barbaric act of childbirth, then they would assume control over their reproductive functions" (p. 114).
Well, if that's the case, this appears to be both an argument against natural sexual femaleness and the idea that this natual sexual femaleness hinders a woman's ability to be because she is a natural childbearer. In considering primarily the Christian God, (I'm gonna go out on a limb here), is this brand of feminism also an argument against the Creator who created us to be life givers?
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" (Gen. 1:27).
...And after the fruit...
"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and they conception; in sorrow though shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee" (Gen. 3:16).
Is this brand of feminism against woman, man, or God? From the story of the fall of mankind, the finger can be pointed at all three in a sense. Woman gave the fruit of the tree of knowledge to Man who agreed to eat it and God punished them both. But does that mean any of us are the real cause of discrimination against woman or the idealized view of what a woman (particularly a white American woman) should be? Even in this short story, the problem seems to boil down to woman: if she hadn't eaten of the fruit, then we probably wouldn't still be discussing this today.
With all this in mind, how does a Christian woman reconcile her faith with the liberating ideals of feminism? Man is considered the head in Christian families, but what if he isn't a great leader? Why is he the head or the pinnacle of authority in the household? Are women to be "led" by immature men? I'm a Christian woman who doesn't believe in man as ruler because he is an imperfect and fickle creature. So, does that make me any less Christian and more of a feminist? Why can't I be both?
Proverbs 31:10-31 (NIV)
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
In addition to... (originally published 6/23/09 as an attachment to the Woman, Feminism, and God post)
This is just another thought in regards to the previous post: I believe that it generally doesn't matter what a man or woman or whoever thinks of you as a feminist, a woman, a Christian, or all three. You have to be who you want to be and be brave enough to be honest about where you stand, even if you are a walking contradiction. We are all complicated and no brand of feminism, ideology, or religion can ever do us just. I honestly think that in the end, what you, God, and your loved ones think of you is what really matters. If you're happy beating down the walls of patriarchy, then do it. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, do that. You have the gift of choice: use it.
