An Inconvenient Existence: Sour Milk

So I have been having this thought over the past week: My current space and time has led me to believe that my presence is inconvenient. Before you start calling the cops because you think I'm about to commit suicide, let me explain. What I mean is where I am in life (literally and figuratively) has caused me to evaluate my aspirations and the road that leads to them. Then it dawned on me that being in the physical location that I am has been the main reason why I feel trapped and emotionally/mentally/creatively stifled. It's like I'm living in an internal gated community and suffering to hell to try to find a way out. And because of all this, I think my being here is not only a major waste of my time and hopes; it literally is an inconvenient existence. Allow me to further explain.

Without reliable transportation, my hope of getting a better paying job is practically a figment of my imagination because most of the these jobs are in the city. Also, you have to travel almost an hour to get anywhere. Not to mention I get the impression from certain people that my presence is inconvenient sometimes because it may intrude upon their daily routines and plans. That's baffling to me and is one of the major reasons why I hate where I live. Now, I'm not saying people should give up there lives just because I walked into the room, but it makes it hard to be happy where you are when you feel as if you're getting in the way. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything here and really regret coming. That's an odd thing to say because I don't really believe in regrets. You live and you learn. But this 6 month experience has taught me that I have a life full of regrets and one of them was coming here. I came here to be inconvenient. That's sad.

I moved to get away from a really dark place (figuratively and literally) and then stepped into another one. And then arose the feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, fear, and extended depression. The irony of all this is that I moved to find a way to heal from all the emotions I just listed and then ended up living right back in them. That's the crazy thing. Moving meant a fresh start and a new life and I'm always wondering will I see in a new and better light if I move again. The scary thing is I'm not quite sure. Will I move to the next place and still feel inconvenient? Will I continue to go through this existential crisis? Will I reach my goal of having a concrete plan by the end of the year? I don't know. And that scares me worse than feeling inconvenient. The worst part of all this is I believe in this inconvenience. My being here is inconvenient. I don't have the support system I need. I don't have my friends that have become my family. I'm stagnant. I feel like I'm that carton of milk that's been sitting in the back of the refrigerator because someone forgot to drink me. I'm sitting here wasting away and will soon be thrown out. I'm sour milk that can't seem to make it's way out of the fridge.