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12/20/2010-Binging and Purging: The Spiritual Addition
So, I had a rather deep conversation with my mom last night that lead to a greater revelation of what God's doing with us and our nation.
We discussed some very personaly things (I bet you want to know what they are, but I won't tell you) and it rose all kinds of high inside of me that this past year, maybe even year and a half, that 2010 has really been a season of purging. Now purging means (1) get rid of opponents: to remove opponents or people considered undesirable from a state or organization, (2) remove something undesirable: to get rid of something undesirable, impure, or imperfect, or (3) free somebody from guilt or sin: to make somebody or something pure and free from guilt, sin, or defilement. That got me to thinking about binging just now.
To binge means (1)heavy drinking or eating session: a short period when somebody drinks or eats too much, especially a period of uncon...(a) spree: a short period of time when something is done in an unrestrained way or (b) eat too much: to eat far too much food very quickly, sometimes as a symptom of an eating disorder such as bulimia.
Now in the context of sinfulness and wrong doing, I think we've all been binging, we've been binging on doing somethings we probably shouldn't have. As a nation and a church, we've become even more judgmental, elitist, unforgiving, and backbitten. We've become more divisive, racist, classist, sexist, homophobic, etc. And don't mention greedy, which may explain this economic crisis. And honestly it's not just a crisis; it's only a purging. A relocation of funds if you will. Think about it. The only way the economy can be rebuilt is if it crashes. That doesn't diminish how scary it is or the fact that there is money on this earth, but someone's hoarding it, because there are people prospering. But for something to be better, sometimes it has to fall first. We've binged on so many things that we've come culturally, socially, and politically bulimic all in the name of being at the top. Now we have to purge.
This brings me to the spiritual aspect of all this. We have to purge from the contaminates we've been binging on. And sometimes these things appear to be harmless. Sometimes it's not the sex, drugs, and rock and roll that do the ultimate damage. Sometimes it's the gossiping, the murmuring/complaining, the haughtiness, the self-righteous behavior, the overly-intellectual, etc. And that leads to a drought where the fruit of the Spirit (Galations 5:19-24; cue in on verses 22 &23-love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) because nobody is watering the garden. We've spent so much time taking from it and trying to mass produce success (which is subjective) that we haven't tilled the ground for it's benefit. We've stripped for our own.
Now we're suffering for it. Or are we? I believe God gave me this: purging doesn't have to be negative. Sin doesn't have to end in negativity; it's also an opportunity for purging. Now think about the definitions of purging above. What do you notice? The key idea of all this is the removal of the undesirable. The undesirable is what has kept us stagnant and bound (and that could be anything; again, what sometimes binds us isn't always outwardly bad/evil). The idea of purging is bad, maybe the actual process of it feels that way. But at the end of the idea, purging is going to get us over the mountain. Purging is going to mend broken hearts, get someone out of debt, bring someone from the brink of suicide. the key idea of all this is freedom.
Bondage through binging. Freedome through purging.
But do we really want to be free?
September 17, 2010-Paul Said to Rejoice
Dear GOD,
I won't lie. I'm not the biggest fan of the Apostle Paul. Something comes off a bit self-righteous and arrogant about him. We should follow his example as if he is the epitome of Christian revelation and practice. That bothers me. But I will say, something he wrote struck me and got me to thinking about having a joyful heart.
Philippians 4:4-7
Paul takes about rejoicing in the Lord and praying the petition and thanksgiving so that your peace will guard our hearts and minds. I read that and thought about my prayer life and realized I don't pray much unless i'm having a really depressing day. Those aren't usually prayers of thanksgiving or faith, so I'm guessing that's why there isn't much peace. Then it donned on me that I only do these things for a certain amount of time. The pastor at church discussed consistency and how many Christians don't practice it and that's why there lives are empty. I realized I was one of those people. I wasn't really doing it with the best heart condition; prayer wasn't entirely based on a genuine love for you. Sometimes it was because I needed to rant and I had already exhausted enough people so I thought to move on. Some days I genuinely do want to talk with you. Sometimes I don't want to hear from you. Then the bigger revelation came:
I was praying to get results and that was it.
Of course prayer changes things, but I wanted what I wanted. I didn't want a deeper relationship with you as much as I thought I did. I was prayer, playing nice, going to church, etc. to get something out of you. I used to enjoy prayer. I actually looked for to tithing because I wanted to give something to the Kingdom. I enjoyed participating in church out of my love for you. Now, 90 percent of the time, I don't even want to go to church (mainly because it's not my church home nor do I want it to be). I tithe because I know I should be obedient. Sometimes I get bored with praying. All of this has lost it's luster. I think it's because of relied so much on my education and intellect that I've stunted my ability to actually have a genuine love for you. I don't enjoy rejoicing because it feels phony. I should do it even beyond my place of peace and joy and live a life of rejoicing, but that seems to phony to me. I'm not one of those people who believes in faking it until you make and that's what it appears to me. That's sad to say especially when we can't please you without faith.
I just realized that I don't really want to commit to having faith in something until I see it come to pass. I rather remain emotionally neutral because I don't want to make the mistake of looking like an idiot of something I prayed for is taken away. I don't want to give things over to you because in my eyes, you're taking to long. I don't want to trust you as much as I thought I did. Even though I know I can.
Part of me is scared to death that you brought me here and want me to actually stay for an extended period of time. I'm scared that if I continue to fight this place that you'll make it harder for me to leave. Part of me doesn't want to pray for other people because I think you won't answer my prayers. Most times I'm not the most remorseful of my sin even if I agree that it's wrong and am willing to apologize. Sometimes I don't know if I really want to repent. I want to remain in my lusts and be completely uninhibited. Sometimes being Christian stifles all that and I feel I can't be my natural self. I can't fornicate. I can't get drunk. I can't enjoy a one night stand. I have to be nice. I can't swear. I have to be humble. All of these are bad things I want to do because I've always done the good things and been the good girl. I'm ready to be free of all the standards.
But in the back of my head, I know you gave us the Ten Commandments for our benefit. I know you don't like to see your people suffer and hurt even if it needs to happen. You take the bad and make it good. You are The Genius of Transformation. But why can't I accept that? I guess it's too good for me.
May 8, 2010- Make Me a bird
Dear GOD,
"Make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here." Jennie (Forrest Gump)
This is pretty much self-explanatory. I thought moving away from a physically depressing place to a more vibrant atmosphere would set me free. It really hasn't. I think I'm more introverted now more than I've ever been. I still don't know or understand what to do with myself. No amount of service has led me to some kind of revelation yet. I'm starting to wish I never volunteered myself for somethings. And again the feeling of emptiness arises. It's a void. Something's vacant. I don't feel attached to or grounded in anything. All I have is you, but then I realize I want something more. Tangible. Something with my name on it.
Beth Moore made it clear that we must run in our own lanes. You've given us different gifts and life experiences that shape who we are. We are supposed to grow closer to you. Never doubt and pray without ceasing. That sounds hopeful. It sounds free, but I don't feel it physically.
I just wanted to know what I'm supposed to do. What you made that suits me personally. I still have no answer. Then again, maybe I'm not listening. I've been distracted with helping somebody else do something, applications, interviews, pondering, and general internal ranting.
I still don't feel anymore understood. I'm not so sure I'm being listened by others. I don't know if I'm making myself clear. I guess I really need to work on articulation. I'm standing in the need of a breakthrough, but at the same time I don't really know what to pray for or expect.
Oh, I just figured something out. I do not what I want:
EXPRESSION
But that still seems vague. I like clarity and structure and security. I don't see that now. And instead of crying or being angry, I'm growing vacant. I don't have quite as much to say or the people I need to say it to. Should I perform or recite? Should I write or sketch? Go back to school? Become a waitress?
I feel the most free when I express, but I can't be addicted to just one experience. That's the thing. I'm looking for a sustainable sense of fulfillment. There's that word again. I haven't used it in 6 months.
I need a personal fulfillment and I haven't met it yet.
Of course I have you. That's know lie, but I'm wondering if there's more. I guess I'm trying to reconcile our relationship with a visual marker of something new and extra. I don't feel as complete as I think I should be.
And I don't want to keep trying new things and leaving them. The stop. And the start.
I thought I was over all this when the new year started. It's another month before 2010 will be half over and I'm still in the same place I was this time last year. Minus the emotional outbursts.
I can feel it. I'm shutting down.
Please help me.
Andy Stanley is My Homie: Why Worry... That's a good question
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOt8-EGczfg
Dear God, I'm still unemployed. What do I do?
The other day I talked to a dear friend of mine who helped me put things in perspective even when it hurts.
She made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. (I almost hate when people ask me that because it usually isn't the greatest of space and time.) I went into my rant of a year's worth of frustration of not being where I want to be in life and unemployment (the anniversary of this frustration is actually todoay).
I think people get the impression that my frustration started at the beginning of this year when I decided to move to GA. Well, sorry folks! It's been a full year. Sorry to disappoint.
I've lived through 6 months of depression, 3 months of semi-contentment, and another month of wondering when this will all end and when will there be some sense of emotional stability and security. I've networked a bit and they look to me to be falling through and not just taking time.
I've been in GA for a month and I still don't have a job. Wait, let me rephrase that: I found a job the first week I arrived and was hired on the spot. But because the job required a 1hr+ to and from work plus driving from business to business to market the clients business, I ended up quitting 3 days on the job. I don't have a car so the job wasn't suitable.
Not to mention I've even started applying to jobs I'm really not interested in. I even applied to another marketing job like the one I discussed above. I got two invitations to interview from two companies and I'm not even sure if I'll call them to set up an appointment. I interested in marketing more because I want to know how to market myself, my business, and my brand that I want to create in the future. But do I honestly want to help companies market products I'm not even interested in: NO. Not to mention they also require a vehicle. I haven't been contacted by firms that need an administrative assistant either after months of sending out resumes and what not.
And there in lies the problem. If I can't believe in everything I'm working with, then I don't want to be there and I usually end up unhappy. I would rather work in the a clothing store and make less money then work in an office building promoting something I don't care about.
I even applied to a few shops on an outlet strip mainly because I love fashion and I am willing to promote that more than satellites, office supplies, or motor oil.
And yet and still, money will be gone soon and I'm tired of living in frustration. I want out.
I guess I just might have to take my cousin up on her suggestion of a 2 hr commute to a data entry job that pas $16/hr. But do I really want to come home tired and upset?
Nah.
