I just looked up TV listings for what comes on tonight and came across Bruce Almighty. This, along with the always disgruntled journal entry I've been repeating for Lord knows how long, led me to a sort of epiphany: maybe I'm living "The Bruce Almighty Effect" and the moral of the story is one should be happy in whatever state she's in.
That was sourly unappreciated because I'm wondering how to muster the ability to be content or happy in a situation you've never been content or happy in? Okay, so as the movie goes, Bruce is upset with God because he thinks God isn't giving him his heart's desires because he isn't as well respected as his colleague Evan. He wants to be taken seriously and his comedy riddled news spots are cherished, but Bruce wants respect by doing more serious stories. He wants Evan's job and is embittered when Evan makes snide remarks about Bruce. Then God gives Bruce HIS powers so Bruce can understand what it's like to be the Almighty One. Apparently, it's hard work as Bruce tries to use his supernatural powers while also trying to reconcile that with his own human impossibilities. By the end of the movie, Bruce and God grow closer and Bruce understands that God gave him the gift of comedy to lift HIS people up. The moral of the story is to appreciate the gifts God gives us and not to want what others have because we don't know what these people went through to get that. How does this apply to me you say?
Honestly, I don't know. I'm not living in a Bruce Almighty world. If I want what someone else has it's a career that involves what I'm passionate about, but that's it. I don't want a luxury car or a big house. I don't want a husband with God knows how many children and a laborador comfortably protected by a pristine white picket fence. I just want a job I enjoy and an apartment. I don't even want a car made in the last 20 years. I just want what can be affectionately labeled as my own stuff.
So the question is, are my circumstances God's way of saying be content with where you are? I can't be content with nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm settling for a headache and the slight smirk I perform with when I'm trying not to come off as ungrateful. Then part of me doesn't really think or believe I'm grateful. To me, to be grateful means to walk in thanksgiving and to be "content" with the circumstances. I'm not doing either really. It's hard to walk in some some sense of gratitude and happiness when you don't see the things that make you happy or grateful.
So here I am no closer to any natural, mental, emotional, or spiritual grounding that I expected to have by this time. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect any of this; I expected a job in arguably the worst economy since Black Tuesday. Even with all that said, if I'm truly a child of God, then why am I going through this anyway? I mean, life happens. Outside forces make their way into our lives. But if I'm such an "overcomer," then why am I not overcoming this?
Part of me thinks that if I move to another location, things will get better. That sad truth is I've already made that mistake, so why repeat it? I guess I hope that I can be free once I get to that physical location. But if I can get free now, then how can I do that in the future?
I also realized that I would be in the same situation if I hadn't gone to grad school. It seems this was destined to happen all along. You'd think that would be somewhat comforting, but it's not. It just means it took a couple more years for nothing to set in than originally expected. This all takes a toll on my self-esteem. Just knowing this would've happened anyway is honestly depressing. That even if this happened three years ago and I still did all I could, I would still be in this same situation baffles me. I still would be living with relatives in a place I never wanted to return to and still not know what to do or how to begin a career. Which means, this still would've happened in a healthy economy. That's absolutely disgusting.
So the problem is me and nothing else. And this epiphany is still much unappreciated.
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