So I've said this a couple of posts before, but I'll say it again:
I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
Oh, I have some lifelong fantasy of becoming a published author and adapting my books in to screenplays (a mix of Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling you could say).
But in the immediacy of all this, I don't know what I want to do now. I'm not interested in telemarketing, network marketing, waitressing, working in the mall, or being someone's assistant if I could be so blunt. These are things I don't want to do, but as you can see, I haven't stated what I want to do.
It's occurred to me that I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what I want to do (job and careerwise). I just seem to get into things that either work or they don't. That's it. I'm not connected. I just do. And there in lies the problem. Sometimes I end up doing things because somebody else thinks it's a good idea or just because. I either go into it very cautious or not thinking at all. The problem is I've been too cautious lately because I don't know what to get into.
It's been two months and I'm still in the same place. My goal was to have something of my own by Sunday. That's less thatn 24 hours from now and I'm no closer to me than I was when the bottom fell from underneath me a year ago. I guess I expected to find some kind of foundation of my own and I still haven't seen it yet. I'm tired of this same story.
It's strange because a few posts ago, I felt empowered and like I'd seen some sense of renewal. Well I haven't, but it's a process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was I. I'm still a work on progress. I'm just jaded by this appearance of optimism I'm supposed to keep up with. It's tiring. It's worst than primping. It's a mask to a certain degree. I pride myself on honesty, but I'm not really sharing myself as much as I thought I did. When I do, I get this wave of "good advice" or "counseling." That's good and I even appreciate it. But sometimes I don't need counseling or a response; I just need someone to empathize. I need someone to just be in the same room with me. That's it.
This is a humbling experience, but it's heartbreaking too. Now I'm not so sure if I can attain some of the things I'd like to experience. Now I'm not sure if my cynicism or pessimism is being realistic or vice versa.
It's scary because I feel incomplete. I want to be full, not just feel it.
And I still don't know what I want to do.
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