I'm In a BS Frame of Mind

I'm all kinds of irritated with myself and my life in general right now. I'm still living in this world of frustration that hasn't subsided since day one last year. A friend told me that sometimes it's about changing your perception of things and your mindset. I actually agree, but I haven't really experienced anything that would take my fancy enough to say okay, I can make do. I don't know how you make do with over a year's worth of anger and frustration over something you can't seemingly control. And that's the gist of the matter. I feel like I don't have any control over anything. And I'm not necessarily interested in someone's words of wisdom or scriptrual reference. I'm just looking for something that makes me feel like my expression is valid. I even thought about going back to school to get my MFA in creative writing or screenwriting. The problem is I don't have a real desire to go back to school and get in any more debt. I'm now researching some volunteer opportunities and classes for community theater and performance groups. I haven't really found any that strike my fancy and there's no such thing as a free class from what I gather, so money is of course an issue.

Maybe these are just my excuses for not just stepping out and taking a leap of "faith" because I don't see how I can even get to where I think I want to be. So it's not just that I'm pissed because the planets aren't aligning; I'm also pissed at myself because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do. and that's scary. That's one of the worst places in the world to be. It seems like nothing is enough because nothing is really appealing. Even the idea of going to school for screenwriting isn't appealing anymore and I want to know the ins and outs of that kind of writing and the film business. So how can I be a part of something when my whole being is resisting?

And I'm so sick of being at everyone's disposal. It's like okay, here's the unemployed person so since she's just sitting around the house, then she can do this. The worst part is I feel like the help I'm volunteering or just being volunteered for isn't really about me; it's about what everybody else can get. Sure, I like to be helpful and charitable. Don't get me wrong, but in the long run, this isn't really helping me; it's helping you. So once again, I have nothing to call my own. When am I going to be able to call the shots on my own life? And now that I'm kinda in the position to do so, I still don't feel anymore responsible, comfortable, or content in all of this.

Everyday's Groundhog Day. I'm repeating the same thing everyday and it's beyond annoying. I can't live like this anymore. I was just telling a friend that yesterday. I can't take this anymore. And I'm tired of not really feeling allowed to state my true feelings. My mom says I internalize stuff too much. Well the last time I tried to verbalize how I felt, I was told I'm overreacting or it'll be okay. Trust in God. Yeah that maybe true, but your discussing my future. I need to know what's going to happen in my present.

And that's why I'm in a bs frame of mind.