Okay, so the past week and a half has been a major turn around for me: I've decided to practice an attitude of gratitude.
You see, gratitude isn't just an emotion, it's also a choice and action just like any emotion. We don't have to feel a certain way the majority ofthe time; we can choose to live in it. If it's a negative emotion, we tend to let it hold us hostage. I did the same thing.
Now I'm realizing that you get what you put out and if I continue to put out negative energy, that's what I will in turn receive. It's very much a change in attitude. I'm at place in my life where there are many things I can't change in my own finite power, but I can choose to relish in the blessings I have in my present. (I'm one of those people who always looks toward th future and what I can't get in that without actually living in the blessing of my today.)
So as much as I'm not where I want to be yet, at least I'm not where I used to be. I have time to write more. I'm getting to understand and appreciate myself more. I'm learning about other people. This has been a true time of self-reflection that I'm really and trully grateful for. Now I see that I can honor God even in a time of turmoil and I can delight in Him. I don't have to focus on what I don't have, but what do and how I can delight in it.
Psalm 37: 1-9
1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2 For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.
3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. [2]
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.
7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I'm In a BS Frame of Mind
I'm all kinds of irritated with myself and my life in general right now. I'm still living in this world of frustration that hasn't subsided since day one last year. A friend told me that sometimes it's about changing your perception of things and your mindset. I actually agree, but I haven't really experienced anything that would take my fancy enough to say okay, I can make do. I don't know how you make do with over a year's worth of anger and frustration over something you can't seemingly control. And that's the gist of the matter. I feel like I don't have any control over anything. And I'm not necessarily interested in someone's words of wisdom or scriptrual reference. I'm just looking for something that makes me feel like my expression is valid. I even thought about going back to school to get my MFA in creative writing or screenwriting. The problem is I don't have a real desire to go back to school and get in any more debt. I'm now researching some volunteer opportunities and classes for community theater and performance groups. I haven't really found any that strike my fancy and there's no such thing as a free class from what I gather, so money is of course an issue.
Maybe these are just my excuses for not just stepping out and taking a leap of "faith" because I don't see how I can even get to where I think I want to be. So it's not just that I'm pissed because the planets aren't aligning; I'm also pissed at myself because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do. and that's scary. That's one of the worst places in the world to be. It seems like nothing is enough because nothing is really appealing. Even the idea of going to school for screenwriting isn't appealing anymore and I want to know the ins and outs of that kind of writing and the film business. So how can I be a part of something when my whole being is resisting?
And I'm so sick of being at everyone's disposal. It's like okay, here's the unemployed person so since she's just sitting around the house, then she can do this. The worst part is I feel like the help I'm volunteering or just being volunteered for isn't really about me; it's about what everybody else can get. Sure, I like to be helpful and charitable. Don't get me wrong, but in the long run, this isn't really helping me; it's helping you. So once again, I have nothing to call my own. When am I going to be able to call the shots on my own life? And now that I'm kinda in the position to do so, I still don't feel anymore responsible, comfortable, or content in all of this.
Everyday's Groundhog Day. I'm repeating the same thing everyday and it's beyond annoying. I can't live like this anymore. I was just telling a friend that yesterday. I can't take this anymore. And I'm tired of not really feeling allowed to state my true feelings. My mom says I internalize stuff too much. Well the last time I tried to verbalize how I felt, I was told I'm overreacting or it'll be okay. Trust in God. Yeah that maybe true, but your discussing my future. I need to know what's going to happen in my present.
And that's why I'm in a bs frame of mind.
Maybe these are just my excuses for not just stepping out and taking a leap of "faith" because I don't see how I can even get to where I think I want to be. So it's not just that I'm pissed because the planets aren't aligning; I'm also pissed at myself because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do. and that's scary. That's one of the worst places in the world to be. It seems like nothing is enough because nothing is really appealing. Even the idea of going to school for screenwriting isn't appealing anymore and I want to know the ins and outs of that kind of writing and the film business. So how can I be a part of something when my whole being is resisting?
And I'm so sick of being at everyone's disposal. It's like okay, here's the unemployed person so since she's just sitting around the house, then she can do this. The worst part is I feel like the help I'm volunteering or just being volunteered for isn't really about me; it's about what everybody else can get. Sure, I like to be helpful and charitable. Don't get me wrong, but in the long run, this isn't really helping me; it's helping you. So once again, I have nothing to call my own. When am I going to be able to call the shots on my own life? And now that I'm kinda in the position to do so, I still don't feel anymore responsible, comfortable, or content in all of this.
Everyday's Groundhog Day. I'm repeating the same thing everyday and it's beyond annoying. I can't live like this anymore. I was just telling a friend that yesterday. I can't take this anymore. And I'm tired of not really feeling allowed to state my true feelings. My mom says I internalize stuff too much. Well the last time I tried to verbalize how I felt, I was told I'm overreacting or it'll be okay. Trust in God. Yeah that maybe true, but your discussing my future. I need to know what's going to happen in my present.
And that's why I'm in a bs frame of mind.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
What I Want: The Greatest Mystery
So I've said this a couple of posts before, but I'll say it again:
I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
Oh, I have some lifelong fantasy of becoming a published author and adapting my books in to screenplays (a mix of Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling you could say).
But in the immediacy of all this, I don't know what I want to do now. I'm not interested in telemarketing, network marketing, waitressing, working in the mall, or being someone's assistant if I could be so blunt. These are things I don't want to do, but as you can see, I haven't stated what I want to do.
It's occurred to me that I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what I want to do (job and careerwise). I just seem to get into things that either work or they don't. That's it. I'm not connected. I just do. And there in lies the problem. Sometimes I end up doing things because somebody else thinks it's a good idea or just because. I either go into it very cautious or not thinking at all. The problem is I've been too cautious lately because I don't know what to get into.
It's been two months and I'm still in the same place. My goal was to have something of my own by Sunday. That's less thatn 24 hours from now and I'm no closer to me than I was when the bottom fell from underneath me a year ago. I guess I expected to find some kind of foundation of my own and I still haven't seen it yet. I'm tired of this same story.
It's strange because a few posts ago, I felt empowered and like I'd seen some sense of renewal. Well I haven't, but it's a process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was I. I'm still a work on progress. I'm just jaded by this appearance of optimism I'm supposed to keep up with. It's tiring. It's worst than primping. It's a mask to a certain degree. I pride myself on honesty, but I'm not really sharing myself as much as I thought I did. When I do, I get this wave of "good advice" or "counseling." That's good and I even appreciate it. But sometimes I don't need counseling or a response; I just need someone to empathize. I need someone to just be in the same room with me. That's it.
This is a humbling experience, but it's heartbreaking too. Now I'm not so sure if I can attain some of the things I'd like to experience. Now I'm not sure if my cynicism or pessimism is being realistic or vice versa.
It's scary because I feel incomplete. I want to be full, not just feel it.
And I still don't know what I want to do.
I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
Oh, I have some lifelong fantasy of becoming a published author and adapting my books in to screenplays (a mix of Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling you could say).
But in the immediacy of all this, I don't know what I want to do now. I'm not interested in telemarketing, network marketing, waitressing, working in the mall, or being someone's assistant if I could be so blunt. These are things I don't want to do, but as you can see, I haven't stated what I want to do.
It's occurred to me that I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what I want to do (job and careerwise). I just seem to get into things that either work or they don't. That's it. I'm not connected. I just do. And there in lies the problem. Sometimes I end up doing things because somebody else thinks it's a good idea or just because. I either go into it very cautious or not thinking at all. The problem is I've been too cautious lately because I don't know what to get into.
It's been two months and I'm still in the same place. My goal was to have something of my own by Sunday. That's less thatn 24 hours from now and I'm no closer to me than I was when the bottom fell from underneath me a year ago. I guess I expected to find some kind of foundation of my own and I still haven't seen it yet. I'm tired of this same story.
It's strange because a few posts ago, I felt empowered and like I'd seen some sense of renewal. Well I haven't, but it's a process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was I. I'm still a work on progress. I'm just jaded by this appearance of optimism I'm supposed to keep up with. It's tiring. It's worst than primping. It's a mask to a certain degree. I pride myself on honesty, but I'm not really sharing myself as much as I thought I did. When I do, I get this wave of "good advice" or "counseling." That's good and I even appreciate it. But sometimes I don't need counseling or a response; I just need someone to empathize. I need someone to just be in the same room with me. That's it.
This is a humbling experience, but it's heartbreaking too. Now I'm not so sure if I can attain some of the things I'd like to experience. Now I'm not sure if my cynicism or pessimism is being realistic or vice versa.
It's scary because I feel incomplete. I want to be full, not just feel it.
And I still don't know what I want to do.
To Be Happy: A Subjective Definition
For the past few days, I've thougt about what exactly makes me "happy." I think it's such an abstract and normative term that we've forgotten what it means to us individually. "Happy" seems to be just an adjective and not an action verb. That's kind of depressing if you really think about it. I guess happiness is a choice and a lot of us don't choose, but at the same time, what is it exactly?
Things that inspire me:
I don't know in all honesty. I've seen "happy or happiness" framed as this temporary spurt of emotion that lasts as long a commercial break. So for it to be prolonged, does it then mean something else? "Joy" perhaps? But then what is that?
I've been trying to figure out what makes me happy. I think if I figure that at then I can actually show some semblance of human emotion. I've been dwelling in the emotionally neutral for the last two months. The first few months of this year seemed to be filled with some sense of excitement and urgency because I finally figured out something God was trying to tell me. Maybe the reason I'm so neutral is because I've stopped listening. I guess I'm still looking for an answer I've been waiting on since last year.
Maybe this is why I haven't really felt a sustainable sense of "happiness." I still haven't really figured it out for myself.
When the experiences of the list I gave above end, it's like I need that high again. I'm addicted to the experience and the surge of positive stimulation.
But I guess you can't be high forever.
Things that inspire me:
- cinema of all genres (national/international)
- a really good book
- peep to heels and retro fashion
- the intellectually stimulation (categorizes all of the above)
I don't know in all honesty. I've seen "happy or happiness" framed as this temporary spurt of emotion that lasts as long a commercial break. So for it to be prolonged, does it then mean something else? "Joy" perhaps? But then what is that?
I've been trying to figure out what makes me happy. I think if I figure that at then I can actually show some semblance of human emotion. I've been dwelling in the emotionally neutral for the last two months. The first few months of this year seemed to be filled with some sense of excitement and urgency because I finally figured out something God was trying to tell me. Maybe the reason I'm so neutral is because I've stopped listening. I guess I'm still looking for an answer I've been waiting on since last year.
Maybe this is why I haven't really felt a sustainable sense of "happiness." I still haven't really figured it out for myself.
When the experiences of the list I gave above end, it's like I need that high again. I'm addicted to the experience and the surge of positive stimulation.
But I guess you can't be high forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)