Bruce Almighty: An Unappreciated Epiphany

I just looked up TV listings for what comes on tonight and came across Bruce Almighty. This, along with the always disgruntled journal entry I've been repeating for Lord knows how long, led me to a sort of epiphany: maybe I'm living "The Bruce Almighty Effect" and the moral of the story is one should be happy in whatever state she's in.

That was sourly unappreciated because I'm wondering how to muster the ability to be content or happy in a situation you've never been content or happy in? Okay, so as the movie goes, Bruce is upset with God because he thinks God isn't giving him his heart's desires because he isn't as well respected as his colleague Evan. He wants to be taken seriously and his comedy riddled news spots are cherished, but Bruce wants respect by doing more serious stories. He wants Evan's job and is embittered when Evan makes snide remarks about Bruce. Then God gives Bruce HIS powers so Bruce can understand what it's like to be the Almighty One. Apparently, it's hard work as Bruce tries to use his supernatural powers while also trying to reconcile that with his own human impossibilities. By the end of the movie, Bruce and God grow closer and Bruce understands that God gave him the gift of comedy to lift HIS people up. The moral of the story is to appreciate the gifts God gives us and not to want what others have because we don't know what these people went through to get that. How does this apply to me you say?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm not living in a Bruce Almighty world. If I want what someone else has it's a career that involves what I'm passionate about, but that's it. I don't want a luxury car or a big house. I don't want a husband with God knows how many children and a laborador comfortably protected by a pristine white picket fence. I just want a job I enjoy and an apartment. I don't even want a car made in the last 20 years. I just want what can be affectionately labeled as my own stuff.

So the question is, are my circumstances God's way of saying be content with where you are? I can't be content with nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm settling for a headache and the slight smirk I perform with when I'm trying not to come off as ungrateful. Then part of me doesn't really think or believe I'm grateful. To me, to be grateful means to walk in thanksgiving and to be "content" with the circumstances. I'm not doing either really. It's hard to walk in some some sense of gratitude and happiness when you don't see the things that make you happy or grateful.

So here I am no closer to any natural, mental, emotional, or spiritual grounding that I expected to have by this time. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect any of this; I expected a job in arguably the worst economy since Black Tuesday. Even with all that said, if I'm truly a child of God, then why am I going through this anyway? I mean, life happens. Outside forces make their way into our lives. But if I'm such an "overcomer," then why am I not overcoming this?

Part of me thinks that if I move to another location, things will get better. That sad truth is I've already made that mistake, so why repeat it? I guess I hope that I can be free once I get to that physical location. But if I can get free now, then how can I do that in the future?

I also realized that I would be in the same situation if I hadn't gone to grad school. It seems this was destined to happen all along. You'd think that would be somewhat comforting, but it's not. It just means it took a couple more years for nothing to set in than originally expected. This all takes a toll on my self-esteem. Just knowing this would've happened anyway is honestly depressing. That even if this happened three years ago and I still did all I could, I would still be in this same situation baffles me. I still would be living with relatives in a place I never wanted to return to and still not know what to do or how to begin a career. Which means, this still would've happened in a healthy economy. That's absolutely disgusting.

So the problem is me and nothing else. And this epiphany is still much unappreciated.

I don't know: irrelevance or is it?

I'm not really sure what to write today. Every other time seemed to be measured by purpose, but today is all about spontaneity I guess. I've been searching for some sense of adventure for the last year and this seems to be all that I could muster up so far. So bear with me if this post seems a bit scatterbrained. I don't have any control.

I don't know what to talk about today. Maybe I could just be a mindless drone and post stuff about celebrities. Or maybe discuss the human injustices of the world without actually doing anything. I mean, isn't that we're known for in this country? Or maybe I'll discuss some topic for which I have no knowledge of. That's the thing about human nature: we can be so self-righteous in our own since of oblivion and we perish for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). Well, at least God's people do.

I think we've (okay, maybe just me) have gotten so used to acquiring knowledge that we've forgotten the journey of understanding what we've obtained. Or even worse, we get into these ideological debates without actually knowing what the hell we're talking about. It's a war of mindless words. I mean read the newspaper (omg, those things still exist?!) or watch Fox news (especially) or some other newsgatherer. Oh, you don't have to go that far. Start a conversation about a controversial topic and actually listen to the answers you'll get. No, wait. Don't just listen; watch the reactions (the shifting eyes, the tense mouths, the arms folded over the chests, the elevated pitches, etc.). And if you're watching/listening close enough, you'll realize these people are having melodramatic responses without any real educated dialogue. Trust me; I've done it many a times. I guess that's why I'm making an effort to keep my mouth shut on some topics. I'm outraged by my own snobbery. For someone who has so many issues with my own country/society/culture, I've shamefully admitted to myself that I'm very much a product of it. But what can you do? Move to another country and become a part of it?

I actually have been thinking of moving out of the country for a while. There goes that sick need for an Eat, Pray, Love experience. I'm sure I won't meet any desirable, interesting men and eat nothing but carbs, but Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Gilbert have been a recent source of inspiration.

Then again, this all seems somewhat irrelevant. I'm having an irrelevant conversation with myself with no one listening as usual. My cynicism is beginning to run a little low and I'm wondering about the relevance of that, too. Or maybe this conversation with myself is the continuance of self-discovery. But it does seem that this will never end and I will always be stuck in the same stagnant state I've been in for almost a year and half. It makes me wonder if I'm missing some mark somewhere. I guess I need an eharmony page for my destiny. I'm still trying to discover it. Wherever it is?

I've just realized this post is more about looking for some sense of self, adventure, relevance, completion, and fulfillment. Well, maybe this isn't as irrelevant as I thought.