What Do I Do Now?

So I'm sitting here thinking of what type of career I want. I've gone through the classic, cliched descriptions all of us have gone through: something I enjoy, something fun, something that I can progress in, something that allows me to provide amply for myself, and on and on. I think one reason why it's been so difficult to find a job (outside of the most obvious reason of the economy) is because I'm not as sure of myself as I thought I was.

Then a thought occured to me: I don't really know what I want to do.

I have two degrees, both in areas in communications, and I still don't know what I want to do now. (At least until I can become a best-selling fiction author an write the screenplays for film adaptations of my books.)

This is a bit disappointing because then I realized I don't think I've ever been sure of what I want to do until I reach those enormous goals I've not actually set but at least have thought about. Then it donned on me that I haven't necessarily framed goal-setting as something active. If I wanted to do something, I just did it.

That scares me a bit because now I know the difference between a dream and a goal. I have many dreams for myself, even fantasies, but I haven't really set any goals.

I've always known I could write and I am very imaginative. But I only recently considered being an author for a living. I knew I wanted to go to college because "education is very important." When I went to college, all I knew was that I wanted to write. Then I realize I really didn't want to be a journalist like my degree option suggested. (I re-realized over the past month that after all this freelance research, I still don't want to be a journalist. But I'll make an exception for feature writing. I loved that class in undergrad. Muchas gracias to Dr. David Bennett at the University of Southern Mississippi.) The grad school became an option. I initially didn't want to go, but the recruiters for the McNair Scholars Program were all over the place my first two years in undergrad. Then I decided to look in to it more and hopped to it. I didn't know what to expect, but then I was accepted. I spent two years writing a thesis on minorities employed by mainstream newspaprs. Then I had a connection to Penn State and applied. (Mind you I didn't even know what grad school to go to.) I was accepted. It took me two years to finish a 120 page thesis on racial performance in film. I was planning to go on for a Ph.D. there and become a professor because I got this revelation about becoming a teacher, but something happened:

My fervor was dying, there was no funding, the other schools I applied to sent rejection letters, and I didn't trust anyone (especially after a rather alarming experience with a couple of university employees).

So now what?

I ended up doing all these things I really wasn't interested in doing, but they did serve a beneficial purpose. It reawakened my thirst for expression. It only occurred through a different route. I didn't get to do much reading or writing of the non-academic kind, but it taught me how to love pen and paper more. It taught my that thinking out of the box is more exciting than thinking in it. This all taught me that I enjoy creating a fantasy and a story versus looking for one.

I realize now more than ever that I'm not interested in finding a story; I want to create one.

I've even dreamed movie trailers for historic dramas that don't exist. I've found a new love in vintage imagery and fashion.

And again, now what?

I've become more interested in creating an image and not just critiquing it.

Now what?

I've realized I want to live in New York and Italy to be around the culture, literature, film, and fashion.

Now what?

How do I get to all this?

What do I do now?

What goals do I need to set?

I told someone a few weeks ago that life hasn't turned out as I'd hoped. I just remember saying I was supposed to be engaged and working some fabulous job I loved. Then it donned on me that that wasn't necessarily true. Why, you ask?

The wishful engagement is correct, but I never really knew what job I wanted growing up. I just knew I like books and movies and I'm really imaginative. That's it. I was even inspired by James Cameron to think about becoming a film director.

I've had more dreams of lifestyle grandeur than anything. I just became aware that I can actually help people in some way. Service was never a major concern for me. It concerns me more now, but all the things I said I wanted to volunteer for since I moved haven't happened because I haven't taken the time to be of service. I'm so concered with getting to where I think I want to be.

I don't even want to volunteer for anything now because the last time I did that, I died on the inside while everyone else was getting the aid they needed. I didn't feel complete in serving others like I thought I would. This isn't to say I'm not charitable; oh,  I do have some ideas for helping the community. I just don't know how to start.

And now I'm back to the question I've been asking myself for the last year:

What do I do with my life now?

None of the jobs I've applied for actually interest me, if I could be so honest. I just need a paycheck and something to do until I get to my fantasy of granduer. I don't want to go to school and get yet another degree. The two I have right now haven't exactly gotten me anywhere (or at least where I think I want to be).

It's been months and I still don't know what to do.