The Never Ending Pessimist

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/23414-pessimists-never-win

So I just read this article from Relevant Magazine online (gotta love it!). There are always thought provoking articles that make me consider life, God, and who I am as a person.  The article linked above got me to thinking about what it means to be a pessimist. (I recommend this as a great thought provoking read)

That got me to thinking:

Why choose optimism over pessimism?

The article basically a discussion of the difference between an optimistic frame of mind versus a pessimistic one. Optimists usually see certain situations as an obstacle to overcome rather an an immediate defeat. Optimistis prefer to see life through a lense of hope rather than doubt and immediate negativity. Pessimists on the other hand are very distrusting (at least it seems to me) of positive thinking and pretty much expect the worst case scenario. They usually see things as not only a moment of defeat, but in some ways defeat that leasts well into perpetuity. They tend to beat themselves up.

Then I realized, I'm probably the co-captain of Team Pessimistic. And I first realized how pessimistic I was when i was in about the 7th grade.  It's something that comes very natural to me.  I prefer pessimism over optimism. Let me tell you.

As crazy as it may sound, I'm not a big fan of optimism. There's a certain amount of dillusion that I'm not accustomed to. I'd rather prepare for the worst or be emotionally numb that expect a positive outcome. The reason why is because usually the negative happens and I've been disappointed countless times that I don't to take the chance on being crushed yet again. Not necessarily the best way to live, but it's a whole lot safer than taking too many chances on too many things that prove to be worthless or maybe not the best fit.

I guess you could say I'm a "cautious pessimistic." I'd rather prepare for the worst and wait and see what will happen. Sometimes I hope to be proven wrong. But the majority of the time I know something's not right. Self-preservation is my main concern. Whether it comes to relocating, starting a new career, networking, or what have you. I don't like to "put myself out there" just like the next person.

So pessimism is my drink of choice and I don't really want to get another.

A bit sad if you think about it, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I've had to apologize way too much over the past few years.

Okay, Let Me Be Honest

Okay, I think I was lying in my last post.

Well, not so much lying as much as not really stating the truth. Just bypassing it in an effort to not drudge up past emotions, memories, or disappointments/discouraging thoughts.

But let me be honest:

I'm still not happy. I continue to question myself, my motives, my passions, my God (even though I'm not supposed), the relevance/validity of this economic crisis (not to say that it's not a real, visible concern, but I have my conspiracy theories), my lack of interest in romantic connections, my lack of desire for parenting, and the like.

I can say one thing though, this whole last year and a half has given me a lot of time to consider all of these things. I like to think, but I'm getting tired of just considering these things. I'd rather be working and taking care of myself.

But I was talking with a dear dear friend today, and it finally occurred to me to just finally allow myself to be honest about where I am and where I've been going since the last month of my relocation. Time has flown by so fast that I haven't really allowed myself to recognized the truth because I've been afraid to relieve the last year and half all over again.

I guess that with every relocation or new beginning, I'd like to hope for the best and think I made the right decision. It's been a month and once again, I'm questioning my ability to do what's right for me. It's almost like I don't know what's right for me. And what I have in my head has become so unattainable over the last year that I question if that's really what I'm supposed to be doing. That's difficult in itself when you have such a great passion for something, but can't seem to even get your toe an inch away from the threshhold.

So once again, I don't really know what to do or what God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if He's really listening. Sometimes I want to cry and scream. Sometimes I'm tired of reiterating my discontent. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I'm tired of thinking about all this. Sometimes I think dillusion would be better.

I wish I wasn't so cynical or opinionated or realistic or inquisitive. It would probably save me a lot of heart and headache.

Bonjour

Hello, world! I know I haven't talked to you in practically two months, but I just wanted to check in. Life has been a little bit crazy lately. (Crazy is subjective.) Anyway, here's an update:

I've moved (yet again).
Trying to get settled (yet again).
Trying to figure out life (yet again).
Looking to God for guidance (always, but I think I could do more).

That's what's up.