Change of Heart and Mind?... Damn!

So I'm still living in the soon to be 12 year frame of mind: I can't let go of the future long enough to appreciate what I have today.

Yeah, I said it.

I've only thought of one thing ever since I was in middle school and that is to have a career. Yes, I thought about marriage and kids but that wasn't until my freshman year in college. But I've always wanted to work and build a name for myself in this world. I've also been running from this invisible demon called childhood experience I don't want to repeat some of the lack as an adult. (I don't think I had as tramautizing a childhood as others, but I don't want to relive the where's the water for 2 months, where's my father, and why is mama so upset can't we pay rent? moments.)

I've always had a passion for expression and I've realized last year that it has been stifled for the past 4 years because of school. That's been frustrating in itself. I've had writer's block for years and writing is my passion. It's the most immediate form of communication I first new I could perform. Now as a mid-20 something I'm trying to revamp the skill and let this passion re-emerged as it has done so in the last 6 or 7 months.

I have one problem: I haven't blown up like James Ellroy, Toni Morrison, or even Carrie Bradshaw (she has become new inspiration since 12 hours ago).

I've had a trying time this past year (literally the anniversary is today) and I've had some dark moments. My old roommate even said she new I was depressed before I even realized it. Then after much prayer and family consultation (not to mention God's still voice), I decided to move back down south.  But my mind- or heartset still hadn't changed. I'm still living for the future.

I was talking to my Bro-N-Law a few weeks ago and he encouraged me to live in the moment. He said I will get where I want to be eventually and to just focus on God. A friend of my said be content.

I've never been one who lives for the day or content. I'm a dreamer and a planner. My fellow DP's know what I'm talking about. Nothing is every enough.  We're never truly satisified because we're always searching for the next big thing and the next project.

I took what they said to heart but it was really upsetting. Mainly because that means I have to adapt and step out of my comfort zone. I like to think I'm adaptable and comfortable with being uncomfortable. The truth is I'm not as much as I thought I was.

The even bigger truth is I don't want to truly surrender to God's will. If I had my way I would be interviewing Bradley Cooper about his transition form The Hangover to The A-Team or Monique about sweeping all the awards for her role in Precious. I would have my own syndicated talk show about the sociopolitical value of popculture and have Spoken Word artists spit in my mike. I would be making plans to attend New York and Milan Fashion Weeks this year. I would also be working for Reelz Channel and talking to Robert Redford about his relationship with the late Paul Newman and the Sundance Film Festival.

But what am I doing right now? You really want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm nursing allergy and sinus problems, looking for a job, looking for a job, looking for a job, babysitting, helping my sister and Bro-N-Law take a load of the kids and cleaning, looking for a job, looking for a job, praying, and looking for a job.

I wish someone told me that this could possibly happen to me. People say go to school and get an education. Then get an internship and get a job. I've done two of these things and I'm still unemployed. I even read an article yesterday on Yahoo that says that advanced degrees are becoming an obstacle for us unemployeds because these degrees mean we demand a higher salary. With a weak economy, companies are more willing to hire someone with a Bachelor's because it is cheaper to hire them than someone with a Master's or Ph.D.

Depressing isn't it. No wonder I have two degrees and I am still jobless. (Or I haven't found the job that suits me and that I will be CONTENT {the dreaded C-Word} with).

Then I thought I just may need th change my mind- and heartset. I can't live in frustration, disappointment, and fear anymore. If I do, I'll never get anywhere much less to the career and lifestyle I want to achieve. I'll never be complete in God if I don't just let it go. But it's heard I don't really want to.

I guess that means I don't trust God as Much as I thought I did. I haven't entirely made the decision to just live in the now and appreciate what I have. I could be homeless. I could have no family. Somebody out there has less than I do. I remember a friend telling me she has other friends who are in their 30s and still living at home with parents and not by choice. They're unemployed and just as frustrated as I am. Now with this 5 year age gap closing in I figure I need to be thankful because I promise I will not still be living with family when I'm 30 by God's will.

So I realize I need to change. It's just a matter of taking the first step. Part of me thinks the reason why nothing has happened is because I haven't taken the first step. That same friend told me about someone else she knows who is a wonderful musician. This person isn't hung up on trying to get to the next thing but is leaving everything she can't control up to God. This person is also working with other people in the music industry. This person hasn't hit it big, but she's with people who have a heart for music like she does and doors are opening.

I wonder if doors are not opening for my as fast as I'd like them to because I don't have that mindset of "Let Go, Let God"? Or have doors opened but I'm just not walking through?

I tend to focus on the lack and the negative more than want I have and the positive. Part of it is fear because nothing is enough.

But I have to choose life and do so soon. I don't want to prolong what God has for me because I can't let go of disappointment.

Just because you're Christian doesn't mean you don't get disappointed.

Don't let other Christian's fool you.