Mind of the Tiger

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/new-katt-williams-killed-by-a-tiger/a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84-280436277307?q=katt%20williams%20and%20tiger&FORM=VIRE3


So I had a conversation about this clip with a friend of mine and we both came to the conclusion that what Katt Williams said was quite profound.
 
I've felt rather caged and held hostage over the past year and a half. I've suffered some great disappointments which I've allowed to lead me into this place of paralyzing fear. Not just nerves and anxiety about the unexpected. But I've come to this place where as much as I want to progress, I'm afraid to take the first step to do so because I don't what to relive the same incidents in the past.
 
Then I got to thinking: Why haven't I broken free (in the Beth Moore sense of explaining it)? All this is based on fear and assumption. Fear of the unknown. The assumption of the worst. The fear of rejection and the assumption of it beforehand. For someone who's so desperate to be free, I'm scared to actually be free. Freedom requires will power and the might of fight. I've lost that and don't really want to regain it because I'm so tired of fighting and trying to maintain this will power.
 
It also donned on me that I am this tiger Williams is talking about. I've been waiting for someone who's dumb enough (or even smart enough) to unlock the cage. I'm just wondering if that person who unlocks the cage has to be me.
 
I guess I want someone else to unleash and save me.

A Risk Taker I Am Not

https://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/22921-breaking-out-of-our-cages

So, I'm sitting here reading from Relevant Magazine online when I came across the above linked article about risk taking and creating a leash of comfort and stability.

The author said this:  "We literally sew the leash thread by thread with each methodical decision we make in order to maintain order. It feels so good while we are knitting it together that we don’t even see it coming—the absolute domestication of our inner beings. We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages. Something has gone terribly wrong when our leashes become our comfort rather than our horror. "

I read that and I thought about a conversation I had with a friend about "This Monster I Created" and "The Good Girl Experience." Allow me to explain.

I've lived a very limited and restrained life as I've discussed a plethora of times. I enjoyed order because many times there wasn't any. I enjoyed controll because those who were the leaders failed. I chose distance because it was somewhat safer than participating in any kind of intimacy. And all this is wrapped in a red bow of fear. I've walked away from, never tried, and given up on many things because of this fear.

And someone once called me a fighter and fearless.

Then I realized that over the past year and a half, I've loss that sense of fearlessness and I understand that I'm not the little risk taker I thought I was. Sure I've ridden the scariest rollercoasters, moved somewhere with now friends and only $36 in pocket. I've done some things that would frighten others and yet I'm not a risk taker because I've allowed this "leash" of stability and limitations hold me hostage.

I've become the dog who wants to run free but is afraid to leave the yard.

I told a friend that I wanted to tap into the idea of inhibitions, nudity (in as many forms that it can come), and I wanted to live a sort of burlesque, artistic, liberal lifestyle with the friends and surroundings to match. But if I want that so bad, why can't a tap into being a risk taker that actually trusts God to know best and trust myself to be that risk taker who actually trusts God?

I've had a slew of consecutive disappoints over the last year and a half, not to mention a lifetime of it that I didn't really allow myself to deal with until now. And even now, I'm not exactly dealing with these memories. I just wish I could change them.

I've lost the drive to be a risk taker. I've lost the joy of trusting God. I've lost the desire to keep fighting. That's why I remain in this stagnant place for the most part. I've done all I knew how to do and now I'm tired.

I don't want to take any risks anymore.

Don't Wanna Breathe; Just Wanna Live

I'm sitting here thinking about yet another transition in my ongoing struggle with the lack of progression and a sense of restlessness within myself. Then it dawned on me:

For the many things I am grateful for, they aren't enough.

Now, don't throw eggs on my face just yet. What I mean by this is I'm thankful for so many things. I'm saving some money. I have a family. I have friends that have become extended family. I'm not starving. I'm learning something new just about everyday. And I'm breathing.

But that's just it. That's it.

I'm not excited about life like I used to be. I'm not as excited about meeting new people like I used to be. I'm not excited about building on present relationships like I used to be.

Then this just came out of my mouth mere moments before I started typing this:

"I want something to wake up to every morning outside of just breathing. I'm tired of breathing; I want to live."

That pretty much sums up what I think has been brewing inside of me over the last two years. It's not a matter of being ungrateful and not seeing the forest for the trees. It's a matter of understanding what makes me happy and what keeps me satisfied, and nothing has. I'm just waking up every morning wishing I could go back to sleep. I don't like leaving the house most days. I'm not excited about my new move and I'm scared to death what happened here and before will happen there.

I guess I'm afraid I'll suffocate if I can't get to happy.

I don't like just breathing.

I want to have something to live for, too.