Well, it's been a while since my last post, so I wanted to check in with the rest of the world and give you and update on the happenings of me.
Everything is going well. I haven't accomplished somethings just yet, but I'm in a better head space and keeping myself busy. I'm praying more, reading more, and walking in a sense of soberness. I'm trying to be more observant than usual. I'm seeking wisdom on somethings and I'm generally feeling good.
I don't like to throw around the words expectant, happy, or content unless I really am. I wouldn't say I'm entirely in those places just yet, but I'm on the road to openness. I'm taking my words to heart now. I interned for a month at a local newspaper. I enjoyed it but I needed to get my focus back on what is important on a more personal level. That's what I'm doing now. I'm taking the time to relearn myself, God, and our relationship. I'm having to relearn friendships. I'm relearning my hometown. I'm walking in a newness. Now that doesn't mean I don't have my moments of confusion or doubt; I'm just working on not remaining in those spaces.
One thing I have learned is that results aren't based on our circumstances, but on how we respond to those circumstances.
I just hope I can keep that outlook long enough to see more change for the better.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
2011: The Year of the Not So Expected, but Then Again...
I don't know if I expect much from this year. I initally hadn't given it much thought so I wasn't looking forward to Jan. 1. I'm not exactly excited about this year, but I am in a different headspace. I figure I can make steps toward my future and actually make the effort to have an iota of faith that something will work out in my favor. As someone once said, failure isn't forever. We only fail when we stop trying to succeed. I'd made it to the destination last year. 2010 was a blur of lack of accomplishments, something I wasn't used to. Some of it was because things didn't work out naturally. Other times it was because I didn't want to take the chance to believe that the next thing would work out.
Now I'm aking the effort to be more open, prayerful, trusting of God, and setting goals everyday and at least 3 goals every month to keep myself occupied. I've actually accomplished 2 goals already. That's a good thing. I would hate to say I'm optimistic because of the weight that word carries. Let's just say I'm not as pessimistic as I was two weeks ago.
I have my head screwed on a little bit straigther. I'm still trying to find God in all of this. I see a little bit of him everyday, so that keeps me going. It's all about making the decision to seek God in whatever situation we're in. I wasn't a fan of the philosophy, but that only drowned me in a deeper depression so I decided that as much as I was tired of working so hard to get my foot in somebody' door, I was even more emotionally exhausted. I needed a change.
I hope 2011 will be much different. I've made a prayer list.
I'll let you know when I scratch some things off.
Now I'm aking the effort to be more open, prayerful, trusting of God, and setting goals everyday and at least 3 goals every month to keep myself occupied. I've actually accomplished 2 goals already. That's a good thing. I would hate to say I'm optimistic because of the weight that word carries. Let's just say I'm not as pessimistic as I was two weeks ago.
I have my head screwed on a little bit straigther. I'm still trying to find God in all of this. I see a little bit of him everyday, so that keeps me going. It's all about making the decision to seek God in whatever situation we're in. I wasn't a fan of the philosophy, but that only drowned me in a deeper depression so I decided that as much as I was tired of working so hard to get my foot in somebody' door, I was even more emotionally exhausted. I needed a change.
I hope 2011 will be much different. I've made a prayer list.
I'll let you know when I scratch some things off.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Never Ending Pessimist
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/23414-pessimists-never-win
So I just read this article from Relevant Magazine online (gotta love it!). There are always thought provoking articles that make me consider life, God, and who I am as a person. The article linked above got me to thinking about what it means to be a pessimist. (I recommend this as a great thought provoking read)
That got me to thinking:
Why choose optimism over pessimism?
The article basically a discussion of the difference between an optimistic frame of mind versus a pessimistic one. Optimists usually see certain situations as an obstacle to overcome rather an an immediate defeat. Optimistis prefer to see life through a lense of hope rather than doubt and immediate negativity. Pessimists on the other hand are very distrusting (at least it seems to me) of positive thinking and pretty much expect the worst case scenario. They usually see things as not only a moment of defeat, but in some ways defeat that leasts well into perpetuity. They tend to beat themselves up.
Then I realized, I'm probably the co-captain of Team Pessimistic. And I first realized how pessimistic I was when i was in about the 7th grade. It's something that comes very natural to me. I prefer pessimism over optimism. Let me tell you.
As crazy as it may sound, I'm not a big fan of optimism. There's a certain amount of dillusion that I'm not accustomed to. I'd rather prepare for the worst or be emotionally numb that expect a positive outcome. The reason why is because usually the negative happens and I've been disappointed countless times that I don't to take the chance on being crushed yet again. Not necessarily the best way to live, but it's a whole lot safer than taking too many chances on too many things that prove to be worthless or maybe not the best fit.
I guess you could say I'm a "cautious pessimistic." I'd rather prepare for the worst and wait and see what will happen. Sometimes I hope to be proven wrong. But the majority of the time I know something's not right. Self-preservation is my main concern. Whether it comes to relocating, starting a new career, networking, or what have you. I don't like to "put myself out there" just like the next person.
So pessimism is my drink of choice and I don't really want to get another.
A bit sad if you think about it, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
I've had to apologize way too much over the past few years.
So I just read this article from Relevant Magazine online (gotta love it!). There are always thought provoking articles that make me consider life, God, and who I am as a person. The article linked above got me to thinking about what it means to be a pessimist. (I recommend this as a great thought provoking read)
That got me to thinking:
Why choose optimism over pessimism?
The article basically a discussion of the difference between an optimistic frame of mind versus a pessimistic one. Optimists usually see certain situations as an obstacle to overcome rather an an immediate defeat. Optimistis prefer to see life through a lense of hope rather than doubt and immediate negativity. Pessimists on the other hand are very distrusting (at least it seems to me) of positive thinking and pretty much expect the worst case scenario. They usually see things as not only a moment of defeat, but in some ways defeat that leasts well into perpetuity. They tend to beat themselves up.
Then I realized, I'm probably the co-captain of Team Pessimistic. And I first realized how pessimistic I was when i was in about the 7th grade. It's something that comes very natural to me. I prefer pessimism over optimism. Let me tell you.
As crazy as it may sound, I'm not a big fan of optimism. There's a certain amount of dillusion that I'm not accustomed to. I'd rather prepare for the worst or be emotionally numb that expect a positive outcome. The reason why is because usually the negative happens and I've been disappointed countless times that I don't to take the chance on being crushed yet again. Not necessarily the best way to live, but it's a whole lot safer than taking too many chances on too many things that prove to be worthless or maybe not the best fit.
I guess you could say I'm a "cautious pessimistic." I'd rather prepare for the worst and wait and see what will happen. Sometimes I hope to be proven wrong. But the majority of the time I know something's not right. Self-preservation is my main concern. Whether it comes to relocating, starting a new career, networking, or what have you. I don't like to "put myself out there" just like the next person.
So pessimism is my drink of choice and I don't really want to get another.
A bit sad if you think about it, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
I've had to apologize way too much over the past few years.
Okay, Let Me Be Honest
Okay, I think I was lying in my last post.
Well, not so much lying as much as not really stating the truth. Just bypassing it in an effort to not drudge up past emotions, memories, or disappointments/discouraging thoughts.
But let me be honest:
I'm still not happy. I continue to question myself, my motives, my passions, my God (even though I'm not supposed), the relevance/validity of this economic crisis (not to say that it's not a real, visible concern, but I have my conspiracy theories), my lack of interest in romantic connections, my lack of desire for parenting, and the like.
I can say one thing though, this whole last year and a half has given me a lot of time to consider all of these things. I like to think, but I'm getting tired of just considering these things. I'd rather be working and taking care of myself.
But I was talking with a dear dear friend today, and it finally occurred to me to just finally allow myself to be honest about where I am and where I've been going since the last month of my relocation. Time has flown by so fast that I haven't really allowed myself to recognized the truth because I've been afraid to relieve the last year and half all over again.
I guess that with every relocation or new beginning, I'd like to hope for the best and think I made the right decision. It's been a month and once again, I'm questioning my ability to do what's right for me. It's almost like I don't know what's right for me. And what I have in my head has become so unattainable over the last year that I question if that's really what I'm supposed to be doing. That's difficult in itself when you have such a great passion for something, but can't seem to even get your toe an inch away from the threshhold.
So once again, I don't really know what to do or what God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if He's really listening. Sometimes I want to cry and scream. Sometimes I'm tired of reiterating my discontent. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I'm tired of thinking about all this. Sometimes I think dillusion would be better.
I wish I wasn't so cynical or opinionated or realistic or inquisitive. It would probably save me a lot of heart and headache.
Well, not so much lying as much as not really stating the truth. Just bypassing it in an effort to not drudge up past emotions, memories, or disappointments/discouraging thoughts.
But let me be honest:
I'm still not happy. I continue to question myself, my motives, my passions, my God (even though I'm not supposed), the relevance/validity of this economic crisis (not to say that it's not a real, visible concern, but I have my conspiracy theories), my lack of interest in romantic connections, my lack of desire for parenting, and the like.
I can say one thing though, this whole last year and a half has given me a lot of time to consider all of these things. I like to think, but I'm getting tired of just considering these things. I'd rather be working and taking care of myself.
But I was talking with a dear dear friend today, and it finally occurred to me to just finally allow myself to be honest about where I am and where I've been going since the last month of my relocation. Time has flown by so fast that I haven't really allowed myself to recognized the truth because I've been afraid to relieve the last year and half all over again.
I guess that with every relocation or new beginning, I'd like to hope for the best and think I made the right decision. It's been a month and once again, I'm questioning my ability to do what's right for me. It's almost like I don't know what's right for me. And what I have in my head has become so unattainable over the last year that I question if that's really what I'm supposed to be doing. That's difficult in itself when you have such a great passion for something, but can't seem to even get your toe an inch away from the threshhold.
So once again, I don't really know what to do or what God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if He's really listening. Sometimes I want to cry and scream. Sometimes I'm tired of reiterating my discontent. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I'm tired of thinking about all this. Sometimes I think dillusion would be better.
I wish I wasn't so cynical or opinionated or realistic or inquisitive. It would probably save me a lot of heart and headache.
Bonjour
Hello, world! I know I haven't talked to you in practically two months, but I just wanted to check in. Life has been a little bit crazy lately. (Crazy is subjective.) Anyway, here's an update:
I've moved (yet again).
Trying to get settled (yet again).
Trying to figure out life (yet again).
Looking to God for guidance (always, but I think I could do more).
That's what's up.
I've moved (yet again).
Trying to get settled (yet again).
Trying to figure out life (yet again).
Looking to God for guidance (always, but I think I could do more).
That's what's up.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Mind of the Tiger
http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/new-katt-williams-killed-by-a-tiger/a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84-280436277307?q=katt%20williams%20and%20tiger&FORM=VIRE3
So I had a conversation about this clip with a friend of mine and we both came to the conclusion that what Katt Williams said was quite profound.
I've felt rather caged and held hostage over the past year and a half. I've suffered some great disappointments which I've allowed to lead me into this place of paralyzing fear. Not just nerves and anxiety about the unexpected. But I've come to this place where as much as I want to progress, I'm afraid to take the first step to do so because I don't what to relive the same incidents in the past.
Then I got to thinking: Why haven't I broken free (in the Beth Moore sense of explaining it)? All this is based on fear and assumption. Fear of the unknown. The assumption of the worst. The fear of rejection and the assumption of it beforehand. For someone who's so desperate to be free, I'm scared to actually be free. Freedom requires will power and the might of fight. I've lost that and don't really want to regain it because I'm so tired of fighting and trying to maintain this will power.
It also donned on me that I am this tiger Williams is talking about. I've been waiting for someone who's dumb enough (or even smart enough) to unlock the cage. I'm just wondering if that person who unlocks the cage has to be me.
I guess I want someone else to unleash and save me.
So I had a conversation about this clip with a friend of mine and we both came to the conclusion that what Katt Williams said was quite profound.
I've felt rather caged and held hostage over the past year and a half. I've suffered some great disappointments which I've allowed to lead me into this place of paralyzing fear. Not just nerves and anxiety about the unexpected. But I've come to this place where as much as I want to progress, I'm afraid to take the first step to do so because I don't what to relive the same incidents in the past.
Then I got to thinking: Why haven't I broken free (in the Beth Moore sense of explaining it)? All this is based on fear and assumption. Fear of the unknown. The assumption of the worst. The fear of rejection and the assumption of it beforehand. For someone who's so desperate to be free, I'm scared to actually be free. Freedom requires will power and the might of fight. I've lost that and don't really want to regain it because I'm so tired of fighting and trying to maintain this will power.
It also donned on me that I am this tiger Williams is talking about. I've been waiting for someone who's dumb enough (or even smart enough) to unlock the cage. I'm just wondering if that person who unlocks the cage has to be me.
I guess I want someone else to unleash and save me.
A Risk Taker I Am Not
https://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/22921-breaking-out-of-our-cages
So, I'm sitting here reading from Relevant Magazine online when I came across the above linked article about risk taking and creating a leash of comfort and stability.
The author said this: "We literally sew the leash thread by thread with each methodical decision we make in order to maintain order. It feels so good while we are knitting it together that we don’t even see it coming—the absolute domestication of our inner beings. We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages. Something has gone terribly wrong when our leashes become our comfort rather than our horror. "
I read that and I thought about a conversation I had with a friend about "This Monster I Created" and "The Good Girl Experience." Allow me to explain.
I've lived a very limited and restrained life as I've discussed a plethora of times. I enjoyed order because many times there wasn't any. I enjoyed controll because those who were the leaders failed. I chose distance because it was somewhat safer than participating in any kind of intimacy. And all this is wrapped in a red bow of fear. I've walked away from, never tried, and given up on many things because of this fear.
And someone once called me a fighter and fearless.
Then I realized that over the past year and a half, I've loss that sense of fearlessness and I understand that I'm not the little risk taker I thought I was. Sure I've ridden the scariest rollercoasters, moved somewhere with now friends and only $36 in pocket. I've done some things that would frighten others and yet I'm not a risk taker because I've allowed this "leash" of stability and limitations hold me hostage.
I've become the dog who wants to run free but is afraid to leave the yard.
I told a friend that I wanted to tap into the idea of inhibitions, nudity (in as many forms that it can come), and I wanted to live a sort of burlesque, artistic, liberal lifestyle with the friends and surroundings to match. But if I want that so bad, why can't a tap into being a risk taker that actually trusts God to know best and trust myself to be that risk taker who actually trusts God?
I've had a slew of consecutive disappoints over the last year and a half, not to mention a lifetime of it that I didn't really allow myself to deal with until now. And even now, I'm not exactly dealing with these memories. I just wish I could change them.
I've lost the drive to be a risk taker. I've lost the joy of trusting God. I've lost the desire to keep fighting. That's why I remain in this stagnant place for the most part. I've done all I knew how to do and now I'm tired.
I don't want to take any risks anymore.
So, I'm sitting here reading from Relevant Magazine online when I came across the above linked article about risk taking and creating a leash of comfort and stability.
The author said this: "We literally sew the leash thread by thread with each methodical decision we make in order to maintain order. It feels so good while we are knitting it together that we don’t even see it coming—the absolute domestication of our inner beings. We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages. Something has gone terribly wrong when our leashes become our comfort rather than our horror. "
I read that and I thought about a conversation I had with a friend about "This Monster I Created" and "The Good Girl Experience." Allow me to explain.
I've lived a very limited and restrained life as I've discussed a plethora of times. I enjoyed order because many times there wasn't any. I enjoyed controll because those who were the leaders failed. I chose distance because it was somewhat safer than participating in any kind of intimacy. And all this is wrapped in a red bow of fear. I've walked away from, never tried, and given up on many things because of this fear.
And someone once called me a fighter and fearless.
Then I realized that over the past year and a half, I've loss that sense of fearlessness and I understand that I'm not the little risk taker I thought I was. Sure I've ridden the scariest rollercoasters, moved somewhere with now friends and only $36 in pocket. I've done some things that would frighten others and yet I'm not a risk taker because I've allowed this "leash" of stability and limitations hold me hostage.
I've become the dog who wants to run free but is afraid to leave the yard.
I told a friend that I wanted to tap into the idea of inhibitions, nudity (in as many forms that it can come), and I wanted to live a sort of burlesque, artistic, liberal lifestyle with the friends and surroundings to match. But if I want that so bad, why can't a tap into being a risk taker that actually trusts God to know best and trust myself to be that risk taker who actually trusts God?
I've had a slew of consecutive disappoints over the last year and a half, not to mention a lifetime of it that I didn't really allow myself to deal with until now. And even now, I'm not exactly dealing with these memories. I just wish I could change them.
I've lost the drive to be a risk taker. I've lost the joy of trusting God. I've lost the desire to keep fighting. That's why I remain in this stagnant place for the most part. I've done all I knew how to do and now I'm tired.
I don't want to take any risks anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)