What Do I Do Now?

So I'm sitting here thinking of what type of career I want. I've gone through the classic, cliched descriptions all of us have gone through: something I enjoy, something fun, something that I can progress in, something that allows me to provide amply for myself, and on and on. I think one reason why it's been so difficult to find a job (outside of the most obvious reason of the economy) is because I'm not as sure of myself as I thought I was.

Then a thought occured to me: I don't really know what I want to do.

I have two degrees, both in areas in communications, and I still don't know what I want to do now. (At least until I can become a best-selling fiction author an write the screenplays for film adaptations of my books.)

This is a bit disappointing because then I realized I don't think I've ever been sure of what I want to do until I reach those enormous goals I've not actually set but at least have thought about. Then it donned on me that I haven't necessarily framed goal-setting as something active. If I wanted to do something, I just did it.

That scares me a bit because now I know the difference between a dream and a goal. I have many dreams for myself, even fantasies, but I haven't really set any goals.

I've always known I could write and I am very imaginative. But I only recently considered being an author for a living. I knew I wanted to go to college because "education is very important." When I went to college, all I knew was that I wanted to write. Then I realize I really didn't want to be a journalist like my degree option suggested. (I re-realized over the past month that after all this freelance research, I still don't want to be a journalist. But I'll make an exception for feature writing. I loved that class in undergrad. Muchas gracias to Dr. David Bennett at the University of Southern Mississippi.) The grad school became an option. I initially didn't want to go, but the recruiters for the McNair Scholars Program were all over the place my first two years in undergrad. Then I decided to look in to it more and hopped to it. I didn't know what to expect, but then I was accepted. I spent two years writing a thesis on minorities employed by mainstream newspaprs. Then I had a connection to Penn State and applied. (Mind you I didn't even know what grad school to go to.) I was accepted. It took me two years to finish a 120 page thesis on racial performance in film. I was planning to go on for a Ph.D. there and become a professor because I got this revelation about becoming a teacher, but something happened:

My fervor was dying, there was no funding, the other schools I applied to sent rejection letters, and I didn't trust anyone (especially after a rather alarming experience with a couple of university employees).

So now what?

I ended up doing all these things I really wasn't interested in doing, but they did serve a beneficial purpose. It reawakened my thirst for expression. It only occurred through a different route. I didn't get to do much reading or writing of the non-academic kind, but it taught me how to love pen and paper more. It taught my that thinking out of the box is more exciting than thinking in it. This all taught me that I enjoy creating a fantasy and a story versus looking for one.

I realize now more than ever that I'm not interested in finding a story; I want to create one.

I've even dreamed movie trailers for historic dramas that don't exist. I've found a new love in vintage imagery and fashion.

And again, now what?

I've become more interested in creating an image and not just critiquing it.

Now what?

I've realized I want to live in New York and Italy to be around the culture, literature, film, and fashion.

Now what?

How do I get to all this?

What do I do now?

What goals do I need to set?

I told someone a few weeks ago that life hasn't turned out as I'd hoped. I just remember saying I was supposed to be engaged and working some fabulous job I loved. Then it donned on me that that wasn't necessarily true. Why, you ask?

The wishful engagement is correct, but I never really knew what job I wanted growing up. I just knew I like books and movies and I'm really imaginative. That's it. I was even inspired by James Cameron to think about becoming a film director.

I've had more dreams of lifestyle grandeur than anything. I just became aware that I can actually help people in some way. Service was never a major concern for me. It concerns me more now, but all the things I said I wanted to volunteer for since I moved haven't happened because I haven't taken the time to be of service. I'm so concered with getting to where I think I want to be.

I don't even want to volunteer for anything now because the last time I did that, I died on the inside while everyone else was getting the aid they needed. I didn't feel complete in serving others like I thought I would. This isn't to say I'm not charitable; oh,  I do have some ideas for helping the community. I just don't know how to start.

And now I'm back to the question I've been asking myself for the last year:

What do I do with my life now?

None of the jobs I've applied for actually interest me, if I could be so honest. I just need a paycheck and something to do until I get to my fantasy of granduer. I don't want to go to school and get yet another degree. The two I have right now haven't exactly gotten me anywhere (or at least where I think I want to be).

It's been months and I still don't know what to do.

Changer de Le Coeur

So here I am in this remained state, stagnant and ready to abate at all cost
I must escape as there is need to be free
real and verite
A constant stream of disappointment and redemption
And yet again I am saved
By Grace
For His namesake

Even in the midst of this concentration
Meditation and prayer for the Above
Crying and hurt
Tears and dirt
I decided to make a change of heart

You see a change is a choice
Salvation is a matter of acceptance
Love is an action
And a decision is not just a moment for failure
But space to renew

So I've decided to live in His renewal
Marinate in the transformation of my mind
Let it be his good and perfect will
Not mine

May yours be mine and mine be yours

No more is there heartache and heartbreak
Because to mend it is a choice

Bondage is not just an involuntary entrapment
It is the comfort zone of my iniquity
and fear
and independence
and lust
and unforgiveness

Bondage is where I used to be until I had a
Change of heart
I said today is my new day
As every day is a vessel for the new dew
that is in the morning

My morning has come
And joy is overrunning
Spilling into my being

Contentment
My heart is no longer blue
but red with the pumping of my innards
my inner being
my soul

My heart is yellow, the glow of sunshine
It is wet with the rain of a new spring
A new beginning

Nothing can stop me now

This is just some spewing of the mind. I woke up this morning and didn't even know I was gonna make the change of heart. You see, a post ago, I was wallowing in my state of disappointment and frustration. And a friend told me something that I didn't want to accept much less implement. She talked about contentment, something I'm not sure I've every truly known. I said a prayer and relaxed into HIS word. And the vomitting from my mouth and spirit was not of heartache, but of a desire for renewal and to be set free from myself.

It was a scary hour, but because of se changer de le coeur, I see a newness that I've always wanted but was too afraid to seek. I see a newness that is of new wine, no longer torn and easily broken.

Take it from me, change is a matter of choice. All too often we decide to remain in bondage and claim the bondage as a stronghold against our will. Some of these times we like to remain slaves to ourselves. That was me. That still is me. But I've decided to begin se change de le coeur and let it be free. I can let my heart be black and blue anymore.

She needs to heal.

Change of Heart and Mind?... Damn!

So I'm still living in the soon to be 12 year frame of mind: I can't let go of the future long enough to appreciate what I have today.

Yeah, I said it.

I've only thought of one thing ever since I was in middle school and that is to have a career. Yes, I thought about marriage and kids but that wasn't until my freshman year in college. But I've always wanted to work and build a name for myself in this world. I've also been running from this invisible demon called childhood experience I don't want to repeat some of the lack as an adult. (I don't think I had as tramautizing a childhood as others, but I don't want to relive the where's the water for 2 months, where's my father, and why is mama so upset can't we pay rent? moments.)

I've always had a passion for expression and I've realized last year that it has been stifled for the past 4 years because of school. That's been frustrating in itself. I've had writer's block for years and writing is my passion. It's the most immediate form of communication I first new I could perform. Now as a mid-20 something I'm trying to revamp the skill and let this passion re-emerged as it has done so in the last 6 or 7 months.

I have one problem: I haven't blown up like James Ellroy, Toni Morrison, or even Carrie Bradshaw (she has become new inspiration since 12 hours ago).

I've had a trying time this past year (literally the anniversary is today) and I've had some dark moments. My old roommate even said she new I was depressed before I even realized it. Then after much prayer and family consultation (not to mention God's still voice), I decided to move back down south.  But my mind- or heartset still hadn't changed. I'm still living for the future.

I was talking to my Bro-N-Law a few weeks ago and he encouraged me to live in the moment. He said I will get where I want to be eventually and to just focus on God. A friend of my said be content.

I've never been one who lives for the day or content. I'm a dreamer and a planner. My fellow DP's know what I'm talking about. Nothing is every enough.  We're never truly satisified because we're always searching for the next big thing and the next project.

I took what they said to heart but it was really upsetting. Mainly because that means I have to adapt and step out of my comfort zone. I like to think I'm adaptable and comfortable with being uncomfortable. The truth is I'm not as much as I thought I was.

The even bigger truth is I don't want to truly surrender to God's will. If I had my way I would be interviewing Bradley Cooper about his transition form The Hangover to The A-Team or Monique about sweeping all the awards for her role in Precious. I would have my own syndicated talk show about the sociopolitical value of popculture and have Spoken Word artists spit in my mike. I would be making plans to attend New York and Milan Fashion Weeks this year. I would also be working for Reelz Channel and talking to Robert Redford about his relationship with the late Paul Newman and the Sundance Film Festival.

But what am I doing right now? You really want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm nursing allergy and sinus problems, looking for a job, looking for a job, looking for a job, babysitting, helping my sister and Bro-N-Law take a load of the kids and cleaning, looking for a job, looking for a job, praying, and looking for a job.

I wish someone told me that this could possibly happen to me. People say go to school and get an education. Then get an internship and get a job. I've done two of these things and I'm still unemployed. I even read an article yesterday on Yahoo that says that advanced degrees are becoming an obstacle for us unemployeds because these degrees mean we demand a higher salary. With a weak economy, companies are more willing to hire someone with a Bachelor's because it is cheaper to hire them than someone with a Master's or Ph.D.

Depressing isn't it. No wonder I have two degrees and I am still jobless. (Or I haven't found the job that suits me and that I will be CONTENT {the dreaded C-Word} with).

Then I thought I just may need th change my mind- and heartset. I can't live in frustration, disappointment, and fear anymore. If I do, I'll never get anywhere much less to the career and lifestyle I want to achieve. I'll never be complete in God if I don't just let it go. But it's heard I don't really want to.

I guess that means I don't trust God as Much as I thought I did. I haven't entirely made the decision to just live in the now and appreciate what I have. I could be homeless. I could have no family. Somebody out there has less than I do. I remember a friend telling me she has other friends who are in their 30s and still living at home with parents and not by choice. They're unemployed and just as frustrated as I am. Now with this 5 year age gap closing in I figure I need to be thankful because I promise I will not still be living with family when I'm 30 by God's will.

So I realize I need to change. It's just a matter of taking the first step. Part of me thinks the reason why nothing has happened is because I haven't taken the first step. That same friend told me about someone else she knows who is a wonderful musician. This person isn't hung up on trying to get to the next thing but is leaving everything she can't control up to God. This person is also working with other people in the music industry. This person hasn't hit it big, but she's with people who have a heart for music like she does and doors are opening.

I wonder if doors are not opening for my as fast as I'd like them to because I don't have that mindset of "Let Go, Let God"? Or have doors opened but I'm just not walking through?

I tend to focus on the lack and the negative more than want I have and the positive. Part of it is fear because nothing is enough.

But I have to choose life and do so soon. I don't want to prolong what God has for me because I can't let go of disappointment.

Just because you're Christian doesn't mean you don't get disappointed.

Don't let other Christian's fool you.

The F Word: Forgiveness

I recently received a few emails and forgiveness (in the Christian sense). It seems that it is a subjective term with a subjective definition.

You see, what I mean is forgiveness seems to be framed as this all remitting and all renewing concept. It is for the forgiver, but that doesn't necessarily give someone license to roll back into your life after what they've done.

Forgiveness is letting go, but it doesn't always mean letting in. Especially after you've lived the same rerun of events time and time again.

Now thinking of it in the Christian sense, yes we should forgive. Even when it is the most difficult. But does that mean we should let the same spirit of strife, lack, division, and emotional disease back into our lives.? I think not.

I remember watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show a few years ago and Maya Angelou was a guest. She spoke of how she once met a descendent of the slaveowner who owned her ancestors. She said she forgave that history and that person, but that didn't mean they needed to be best friends.

Sometimes its best to move on.

Sometimes its best to not have the person in your life.

And remember, just because someone isn't interested in reliving or renewing a relationship with someone that doesn't mean they are living in unforgiveness. It means she are smart enough to move on from something or someone she know is not going to change.

B-Day Revelation

Hello, all. I have a special announcement: It's my birthday!

Oddly enough, I'm not feeling the celebratory mood. Oh, I more than content and happy to see another year, but I've been in more of an introspective mood these last few days and it has sort of melted over on this one special day.

Through much prayer, Bible reading, and general reflection about my life, I believe God has shown me not only where He's brought me from and where I'm going, He's also let me in on a few secrets about myself:

1. I can be a know-it-all
2. I usually think I'm better than others because my life turned out a little more positive (or may have made wiser decisions)
3. I assume others experience because of knowledge of past patterns
4. I have a lot of defense mechanisms
5. I rely too much on being a loner to actually connect with people (even my only family)
6. I expect people to know where I'm coming from, but I don't always try to accept their experiences either
and here's the kicker,
7. I usually think lesser of people who try to be "nice" and have confused honesty with some times kicking people when their down

Now, this is not a moment to ride the Beat Myself Up and You Must Have Low Self-Esteem to be Relatable Train, but this is a moment for me to be honest about myself and my life. I spend a lot of time talking about authenticity, which I firmly believe in. But sometimes I don't recognize my shortcomings and how I just may not be as authentic as I think I am. I'm first to admit my faults (as about millions of you have just seen, well, that's if you've made it to this site), but I'm also willing to take responsibility for it.

I can be a snob, a snot, an elitist, etc. But I am the only the I can expect to be: Human. God didn't put any of us on this Earth to please the next person, but He I believe He did put us here to be His manifested glory. And sometimes that includes falling on our faces and realizing that we're nothing without Him. Sometimes that means recognizing and understanding the ugly truths about ourselves. That's how we grow. That's how we are relatable. That's how we mature.

Okay, so this isn't the conventional celebration for a birthday, but I'm content in knowing that I'm not perfect and I have a long way to go to be who God and I want me to be.

There, I said it: I AM NOT NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that's a relief.

Reality Show Revelation

Hello, again! Well, I had a few things on my mind to share with you all today:

The Real House Wives of New Jersey

I won't lie, sometimes I like to watch "reality" shows because there entertaining. I'm usually one that harps on and on about using tv viewing hours for something more productive like watching the news, but I had a sudden revelation yesterday while watch TRHWNJ:

"Reality" (if they were so "real", no one would be getting paid) shows actually do serve some purpose outside of entertainment. During the final episode, there was a confrontation between all the "housewives" which I think probably could have been handled in a better way, but the producers need their ratings and the cast needs their paychecks. Anway, a verbal brawl ensued when one of the wives, Danielle was finally able to tell her side of a scandalous story that took place over twenty years ago and a book resurfaced divulging some not so good information about her. She attacked Dina because she believed Dina passed the book around the community (and for whatever reason, the two don't like each other). Then Dina's sister Caroline chimed in to defend her sister. Their sister-in-law Jacqueline was brought into the fire and had to choose between her friend Danielle and her family. Then the family friend Teresa got very upset, rightfully so, because the dinner was her way to have fun with everyone's families and to celebrate her family's new home. It seems that Danielle's decision to discuss the book wasn't very favored, especially since it appears that once again she is at the center of attention. It probably would have been best to just confront the one person she thought was being malicious versus turning over a nice family dinner. Sometimes you have to learn when to pick and choose the place where you will have your battles. Anyway, this got me to thinking that this whole thing (in real life without the cameras) is a lesson on how to be "therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves" (Matthew 10:16).

This isn't necessarily a rant on how the women weren't being Christian, because quite frankily, I don't know if they are. But this is my monologue about how "reality" shows teach us how to and how not to act. Everything that boiled over seemed to be something that could have been discussed weeks ago everyone if just took the time to listen and hear each other's (especially Danielle's) side of the story, versus thinking about it, talking about it, and not necessarily going to the source. (Jacqueline actually did talk to Danielle about the situation.) Needless to say, this seems to all boil down to wisdom and the maturity to realize and admit that they all essentially added to the problem. Of course the book was public knowledge and anyone could have stumbled upon, so I don't understand Danielle's concerns. Also, if something happened eons ago, holding it against someone you really don't know doesn't seem the most fruitful thing to do. All in all, this situation seemed to be handled in an immature way.

Of course I wasn't in that situation with any of the women or their families and I can't judge because I have been in tense situations like that. But looking back on my own experience, many times, it wasn't anything to gossip about or get into a fight over. It was of no significance. This leaves me wondering, are the portrayals of these women "real women" or "real girls"? Needless to say, the one thing I've learned from watching "reality" shows is how not to be immature and unwise.