The Never Ending Pessimist

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/23414-pessimists-never-win

So I just read this article from Relevant Magazine online (gotta love it!). There are always thought provoking articles that make me consider life, God, and who I am as a person.  The article linked above got me to thinking about what it means to be a pessimist. (I recommend this as a great thought provoking read)

That got me to thinking:

Why choose optimism over pessimism?

The article basically a discussion of the difference between an optimistic frame of mind versus a pessimistic one. Optimists usually see certain situations as an obstacle to overcome rather an an immediate defeat. Optimistis prefer to see life through a lense of hope rather than doubt and immediate negativity. Pessimists on the other hand are very distrusting (at least it seems to me) of positive thinking and pretty much expect the worst case scenario. They usually see things as not only a moment of defeat, but in some ways defeat that leasts well into perpetuity. They tend to beat themselves up.

Then I realized, I'm probably the co-captain of Team Pessimistic. And I first realized how pessimistic I was when i was in about the 7th grade.  It's something that comes very natural to me.  I prefer pessimism over optimism. Let me tell you.

As crazy as it may sound, I'm not a big fan of optimism. There's a certain amount of dillusion that I'm not accustomed to. I'd rather prepare for the worst or be emotionally numb that expect a positive outcome. The reason why is because usually the negative happens and I've been disappointed countless times that I don't to take the chance on being crushed yet again. Not necessarily the best way to live, but it's a whole lot safer than taking too many chances on too many things that prove to be worthless or maybe not the best fit.

I guess you could say I'm a "cautious pessimistic." I'd rather prepare for the worst and wait and see what will happen. Sometimes I hope to be proven wrong. But the majority of the time I know something's not right. Self-preservation is my main concern. Whether it comes to relocating, starting a new career, networking, or what have you. I don't like to "put myself out there" just like the next person.

So pessimism is my drink of choice and I don't really want to get another.

A bit sad if you think about it, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I've had to apologize way too much over the past few years.

Okay, Let Me Be Honest

Okay, I think I was lying in my last post.

Well, not so much lying as much as not really stating the truth. Just bypassing it in an effort to not drudge up past emotions, memories, or disappointments/discouraging thoughts.

But let me be honest:

I'm still not happy. I continue to question myself, my motives, my passions, my God (even though I'm not supposed), the relevance/validity of this economic crisis (not to say that it's not a real, visible concern, but I have my conspiracy theories), my lack of interest in romantic connections, my lack of desire for parenting, and the like.

I can say one thing though, this whole last year and a half has given me a lot of time to consider all of these things. I like to think, but I'm getting tired of just considering these things. I'd rather be working and taking care of myself.

But I was talking with a dear dear friend today, and it finally occurred to me to just finally allow myself to be honest about where I am and where I've been going since the last month of my relocation. Time has flown by so fast that I haven't really allowed myself to recognized the truth because I've been afraid to relieve the last year and half all over again.

I guess that with every relocation or new beginning, I'd like to hope for the best and think I made the right decision. It's been a month and once again, I'm questioning my ability to do what's right for me. It's almost like I don't know what's right for me. And what I have in my head has become so unattainable over the last year that I question if that's really what I'm supposed to be doing. That's difficult in itself when you have such a great passion for something, but can't seem to even get your toe an inch away from the threshhold.

So once again, I don't really know what to do or what God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if He's really listening. Sometimes I want to cry and scream. Sometimes I'm tired of reiterating my discontent. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I'm tired of thinking about all this. Sometimes I think dillusion would be better.

I wish I wasn't so cynical or opinionated or realistic or inquisitive. It would probably save me a lot of heart and headache.

Bonjour

Hello, world! I know I haven't talked to you in practically two months, but I just wanted to check in. Life has been a little bit crazy lately. (Crazy is subjective.) Anyway, here's an update:

I've moved (yet again).
Trying to get settled (yet again).
Trying to figure out life (yet again).
Looking to God for guidance (always, but I think I could do more).

That's what's up.

Mind of the Tiger

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/new-katt-williams-killed-by-a-tiger/a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84-280436277307?q=katt%20williams%20and%20tiger&FORM=VIRE3


So I had a conversation about this clip with a friend of mine and we both came to the conclusion that what Katt Williams said was quite profound.
 
I've felt rather caged and held hostage over the past year and a half. I've suffered some great disappointments which I've allowed to lead me into this place of paralyzing fear. Not just nerves and anxiety about the unexpected. But I've come to this place where as much as I want to progress, I'm afraid to take the first step to do so because I don't what to relive the same incidents in the past.
 
Then I got to thinking: Why haven't I broken free (in the Beth Moore sense of explaining it)? All this is based on fear and assumption. Fear of the unknown. The assumption of the worst. The fear of rejection and the assumption of it beforehand. For someone who's so desperate to be free, I'm scared to actually be free. Freedom requires will power and the might of fight. I've lost that and don't really want to regain it because I'm so tired of fighting and trying to maintain this will power.
 
It also donned on me that I am this tiger Williams is talking about. I've been waiting for someone who's dumb enough (or even smart enough) to unlock the cage. I'm just wondering if that person who unlocks the cage has to be me.
 
I guess I want someone else to unleash and save me.

A Risk Taker I Am Not

https://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/22921-breaking-out-of-our-cages

So, I'm sitting here reading from Relevant Magazine online when I came across the above linked article about risk taking and creating a leash of comfort and stability.

The author said this:  "We literally sew the leash thread by thread with each methodical decision we make in order to maintain order. It feels so good while we are knitting it together that we don’t even see it coming—the absolute domestication of our inner beings. We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages. Something has gone terribly wrong when our leashes become our comfort rather than our horror. "

I read that and I thought about a conversation I had with a friend about "This Monster I Created" and "The Good Girl Experience." Allow me to explain.

I've lived a very limited and restrained life as I've discussed a plethora of times. I enjoyed order because many times there wasn't any. I enjoyed controll because those who were the leaders failed. I chose distance because it was somewhat safer than participating in any kind of intimacy. And all this is wrapped in a red bow of fear. I've walked away from, never tried, and given up on many things because of this fear.

And someone once called me a fighter and fearless.

Then I realized that over the past year and a half, I've loss that sense of fearlessness and I understand that I'm not the little risk taker I thought I was. Sure I've ridden the scariest rollercoasters, moved somewhere with now friends and only $36 in pocket. I've done some things that would frighten others and yet I'm not a risk taker because I've allowed this "leash" of stability and limitations hold me hostage.

I've become the dog who wants to run free but is afraid to leave the yard.

I told a friend that I wanted to tap into the idea of inhibitions, nudity (in as many forms that it can come), and I wanted to live a sort of burlesque, artistic, liberal lifestyle with the friends and surroundings to match. But if I want that so bad, why can't a tap into being a risk taker that actually trusts God to know best and trust myself to be that risk taker who actually trusts God?

I've had a slew of consecutive disappoints over the last year and a half, not to mention a lifetime of it that I didn't really allow myself to deal with until now. And even now, I'm not exactly dealing with these memories. I just wish I could change them.

I've lost the drive to be a risk taker. I've lost the joy of trusting God. I've lost the desire to keep fighting. That's why I remain in this stagnant place for the most part. I've done all I knew how to do and now I'm tired.

I don't want to take any risks anymore.

Don't Wanna Breathe; Just Wanna Live

I'm sitting here thinking about yet another transition in my ongoing struggle with the lack of progression and a sense of restlessness within myself. Then it dawned on me:

For the many things I am grateful for, they aren't enough.

Now, don't throw eggs on my face just yet. What I mean by this is I'm thankful for so many things. I'm saving some money. I have a family. I have friends that have become extended family. I'm not starving. I'm learning something new just about everyday. And I'm breathing.

But that's just it. That's it.

I'm not excited about life like I used to be. I'm not as excited about meeting new people like I used to be. I'm not excited about building on present relationships like I used to be.

Then this just came out of my mouth mere moments before I started typing this:

"I want something to wake up to every morning outside of just breathing. I'm tired of breathing; I want to live."

That pretty much sums up what I think has been brewing inside of me over the last two years. It's not a matter of being ungrateful and not seeing the forest for the trees. It's a matter of understanding what makes me happy and what keeps me satisfied, and nothing has. I'm just waking up every morning wishing I could go back to sleep. I don't like leaving the house most days. I'm not excited about my new move and I'm scared to death what happened here and before will happen there.

I guess I'm afraid I'll suffocate if I can't get to happy.

I don't like just breathing.

I want to have something to live for, too.

An Abundant Life: The Lack Thereof

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I read this scripture and it occurred to me that as much as Christ came to give us an abundant life, it eludes many of us, including myself. I mean, think about it: what does abundance mean to us and how come we're not living it? We can blame the economy, family history, illness, and the general state of the world. Those are all understandable barriers to abundant living. But if Christ came to save and deliver us, then can he not break those barriers? Can he not give us just a glimpse of His greatness? Wasn't His salvation enough. Sadly, for a lot of us, I don't think it is. Do we really want to have an abundant life?

I'm one of those people who finds solace in things, not necessarily people all the time. I tire of people easily, but I somehow manage to develop a relationship with the abstract. The arts. Expression. I guess it's my drug of choice. When I forget all else and drown in a good book, a fashion show, a beautiful movie, and even a drag show, I get this high I suppose addicts get. (okay maybe not that extreme.) But I got lost in these things and they inspire new creative ideas and a new way of thinking about different topics and experiences. There is an abundance of freedom. Then I had a thought:

Why don't I have that same abundance of life when it comes to my religious faith? Why am I not that jazzed about the Gospel? How come I don't get butterflies in my stomach about Christ? I used to. Then reality set in and I chose to be a realist over the commitment to have faith in the unseen and the things to come. I guess sometimes having faith seems so childish and being mature means being prepared. Babes don't question; men do. And that's when intellect gets in the way. I know it has in my case. Then we let it hold us hostage.

I'm not so sure we always want to be free. It's easier to hold ourselves hostage than to go on the path of revelation and action. We can be the victims for a change. It's self preservation that only preserves lack. Then you hear those random stories of people who are having a difficult time, but still trust God. They are living abundantly because they choose to lean on him and give Him their dreams. These stories always annoyed me because I couldn't understand how these people could live and believe beyond their circumstances. Maybe some of it was jealousy. Even now.

And I've realized one thing: I'm not allowing Him to give me the abundant life, whatever it is. Perhaps we have different versions.