Bonjour

Hello, world! I know I haven't talked to you in practically two months, but I just wanted to check in. Life has been a little bit crazy lately. (Crazy is subjective.) Anyway, here's an update:

I've moved (yet again).
Trying to get settled (yet again).
Trying to figure out life (yet again).
Looking to God for guidance (always, but I think I could do more).

That's what's up.

Mind of the Tiger

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/new-katt-williams-killed-by-a-tiger/a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84a94a57e3d9bd0c12fc84-280436277307?q=katt%20williams%20and%20tiger&FORM=VIRE3


So I had a conversation about this clip with a friend of mine and we both came to the conclusion that what Katt Williams said was quite profound.
 
I've felt rather caged and held hostage over the past year and a half. I've suffered some great disappointments which I've allowed to lead me into this place of paralyzing fear. Not just nerves and anxiety about the unexpected. But I've come to this place where as much as I want to progress, I'm afraid to take the first step to do so because I don't what to relive the same incidents in the past.
 
Then I got to thinking: Why haven't I broken free (in the Beth Moore sense of explaining it)? All this is based on fear and assumption. Fear of the unknown. The assumption of the worst. The fear of rejection and the assumption of it beforehand. For someone who's so desperate to be free, I'm scared to actually be free. Freedom requires will power and the might of fight. I've lost that and don't really want to regain it because I'm so tired of fighting and trying to maintain this will power.
 
It also donned on me that I am this tiger Williams is talking about. I've been waiting for someone who's dumb enough (or even smart enough) to unlock the cage. I'm just wondering if that person who unlocks the cage has to be me.
 
I guess I want someone else to unleash and save me.

A Risk Taker I Am Not

https://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/22921-breaking-out-of-our-cages

So, I'm sitting here reading from Relevant Magazine online when I came across the above linked article about risk taking and creating a leash of comfort and stability.

The author said this:  "We literally sew the leash thread by thread with each methodical decision we make in order to maintain order. It feels so good while we are knitting it together that we don’t even see it coming—the absolute domestication of our inner beings. We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages. Something has gone terribly wrong when our leashes become our comfort rather than our horror. "

I read that and I thought about a conversation I had with a friend about "This Monster I Created" and "The Good Girl Experience." Allow me to explain.

I've lived a very limited and restrained life as I've discussed a plethora of times. I enjoyed order because many times there wasn't any. I enjoyed controll because those who were the leaders failed. I chose distance because it was somewhat safer than participating in any kind of intimacy. And all this is wrapped in a red bow of fear. I've walked away from, never tried, and given up on many things because of this fear.

And someone once called me a fighter and fearless.

Then I realized that over the past year and a half, I've loss that sense of fearlessness and I understand that I'm not the little risk taker I thought I was. Sure I've ridden the scariest rollercoasters, moved somewhere with now friends and only $36 in pocket. I've done some things that would frighten others and yet I'm not a risk taker because I've allowed this "leash" of stability and limitations hold me hostage.

I've become the dog who wants to run free but is afraid to leave the yard.

I told a friend that I wanted to tap into the idea of inhibitions, nudity (in as many forms that it can come), and I wanted to live a sort of burlesque, artistic, liberal lifestyle with the friends and surroundings to match. But if I want that so bad, why can't a tap into being a risk taker that actually trusts God to know best and trust myself to be that risk taker who actually trusts God?

I've had a slew of consecutive disappoints over the last year and a half, not to mention a lifetime of it that I didn't really allow myself to deal with until now. And even now, I'm not exactly dealing with these memories. I just wish I could change them.

I've lost the drive to be a risk taker. I've lost the joy of trusting God. I've lost the desire to keep fighting. That's why I remain in this stagnant place for the most part. I've done all I knew how to do and now I'm tired.

I don't want to take any risks anymore.

Don't Wanna Breathe; Just Wanna Live

I'm sitting here thinking about yet another transition in my ongoing struggle with the lack of progression and a sense of restlessness within myself. Then it dawned on me:

For the many things I am grateful for, they aren't enough.

Now, don't throw eggs on my face just yet. What I mean by this is I'm thankful for so many things. I'm saving some money. I have a family. I have friends that have become extended family. I'm not starving. I'm learning something new just about everyday. And I'm breathing.

But that's just it. That's it.

I'm not excited about life like I used to be. I'm not as excited about meeting new people like I used to be. I'm not excited about building on present relationships like I used to be.

Then this just came out of my mouth mere moments before I started typing this:

"I want something to wake up to every morning outside of just breathing. I'm tired of breathing; I want to live."

That pretty much sums up what I think has been brewing inside of me over the last two years. It's not a matter of being ungrateful and not seeing the forest for the trees. It's a matter of understanding what makes me happy and what keeps me satisfied, and nothing has. I'm just waking up every morning wishing I could go back to sleep. I don't like leaving the house most days. I'm not excited about my new move and I'm scared to death what happened here and before will happen there.

I guess I'm afraid I'll suffocate if I can't get to happy.

I don't like just breathing.

I want to have something to live for, too.

An Abundant Life: The Lack Thereof

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I read this scripture and it occurred to me that as much as Christ came to give us an abundant life, it eludes many of us, including myself. I mean, think about it: what does abundance mean to us and how come we're not living it? We can blame the economy, family history, illness, and the general state of the world. Those are all understandable barriers to abundant living. But if Christ came to save and deliver us, then can he not break those barriers? Can he not give us just a glimpse of His greatness? Wasn't His salvation enough. Sadly, for a lot of us, I don't think it is. Do we really want to have an abundant life?

I'm one of those people who finds solace in things, not necessarily people all the time. I tire of people easily, but I somehow manage to develop a relationship with the abstract. The arts. Expression. I guess it's my drug of choice. When I forget all else and drown in a good book, a fashion show, a beautiful movie, and even a drag show, I get this high I suppose addicts get. (okay maybe not that extreme.) But I got lost in these things and they inspire new creative ideas and a new way of thinking about different topics and experiences. There is an abundance of freedom. Then I had a thought:

Why don't I have that same abundance of life when it comes to my religious faith? Why am I not that jazzed about the Gospel? How come I don't get butterflies in my stomach about Christ? I used to. Then reality set in and I chose to be a realist over the commitment to have faith in the unseen and the things to come. I guess sometimes having faith seems so childish and being mature means being prepared. Babes don't question; men do. And that's when intellect gets in the way. I know it has in my case. Then we let it hold us hostage.

I'm not so sure we always want to be free. It's easier to hold ourselves hostage than to go on the path of revelation and action. We can be the victims for a change. It's self preservation that only preserves lack. Then you hear those random stories of people who are having a difficult time, but still trust God. They are living abundantly because they choose to lean on him and give Him their dreams. These stories always annoyed me because I couldn't understand how these people could live and believe beyond their circumstances. Maybe some of it was jealousy. Even now.

And I've realized one thing: I'm not allowing Him to give me the abundant life, whatever it is. Perhaps we have different versions.

Self-Disappointment

I realized the main reason why I'm so upset and disappointed with my current circumstances is because I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. Sure, my power is finite and there are only so many good and bad things I can do, but just knowing that my efforts didn't do very much is painful. I've lived this restrained, limited, and conservative life expecting bigger things to happen and they haven't. Or at least they have, but I didn't take the opportunity to live in them. I expected my life to turn out like somebody elses. But then again, I'm different. I will always stick out like a sore thumb, so why exptect a conventional life experience?

I've given up on things. I've never tried things. I've backed away from life in many ways. And I'm angry at myself for doing that. As much as I've had some wonderful experiences others haven't, I still fill unfulfilled because I haven't let go. I haven't entirely let go of preconceived expectations I set for myself when I was 12. I haven't let go of my fears. I feel held hostage in a lot of ways. Some of it is my own doing. That's the hardest thing to get past when I'm trying to heal. How do I get beyond myself?

Strength to the Weary, Power to the Weak

Is. 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I was just sitting here pondering this Scripture. It's uplifting to know that we have a Father who knows/understands our weakness and doesn't hold it against us. He is the ultimate symbol and manifestation of strength and sustenance. Life would be empty without Him. Then I thought about how I have and haven't necessarily applied this scripture to my own life. I'm wondering why I can't break free from of my own weariness and weakness because I have grown tired and I have fallen.

We've got the world fooled, some of us Christians. We paint this portrait of endless power, joy, and completeness, but we don't share how we struggle. We don't share our testimonies. We don't walk naked and honest about our struggles and hardships. Some of us are quick to look down on fellow believers who are suffering from addictions, depression, anger, etc. Then we wonder why many people don't have much respect for us and our God. We don't talk about how we're not sure when or if "it will be okay." We don't talk about the dread we wake up with every morning. We don't talk about the loneliness. We don't talk about how gradual the healing process is. I used to think we could just pick up and move on until I had my own breaking point. We don't talk about how we have our own existential crises. Sometimes we make others feel as if their feelings about an issue or experience are unworthy of consideration. I think in our efforts to be spiritually strong, we confuse that with natural strength but want to call it the Holy Spirit. We think telling people to be strong and pray is the antidote, but don't tell people how long it may take to retain that strength. Sometimes I get the impression that some Christians use the faith as the one time cure all when it's not. Christianity is a journey and a relationship that evolves. There are days we don't want to get out of bed. There are days we are weary. Times when we are disappointed with ourselves. Times when depression lasts are year longer than we expected.

But I know one thing: I have a Father who loves me and knows my pain. He knows how I sometimes feel alone in my struggles to overcome my fears. He knows I get tired and want to give up. He sees me naked everyday. He gets me. He even gave me a brother and an extra helper to keep me going. That's comforting some days. Then some days it's not. But I guess what matters most is that He is our strength and our power when we are at our weakest moments. Even when these moments last for over a year, it's but a blink of an eye to Him and restoration is on the way. He knows how I hunger for release and reinvention. He knows how I suffer from my own disappointments. He knows what I am passionate about. He knows where I lack experience.

I guess the strength and power comes from remembering that He knows us by our first and last names.