I'm In a BS Frame of Mind

I'm all kinds of irritated with myself and my life in general right now. I'm still living in this world of frustration that hasn't subsided since day one last year. A friend told me that sometimes it's about changing your perception of things and your mindset. I actually agree, but I haven't really experienced anything that would take my fancy enough to say okay, I can make do. I don't know how you make do with over a year's worth of anger and frustration over something you can't seemingly control. And that's the gist of the matter. I feel like I don't have any control over anything. And I'm not necessarily interested in someone's words of wisdom or scriptrual reference. I'm just looking for something that makes me feel like my expression is valid. I even thought about going back to school to get my MFA in creative writing or screenwriting. The problem is I don't have a real desire to go back to school and get in any more debt. I'm now researching some volunteer opportunities and classes for community theater and performance groups. I haven't really found any that strike my fancy and there's no such thing as a free class from what I gather, so money is of course an issue.

Maybe these are just my excuses for not just stepping out and taking a leap of "faith" because I don't see how I can even get to where I think I want to be. So it's not just that I'm pissed because the planets aren't aligning; I'm also pissed at myself because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do. and that's scary. That's one of the worst places in the world to be. It seems like nothing is enough because nothing is really appealing. Even the idea of going to school for screenwriting isn't appealing anymore and I want to know the ins and outs of that kind of writing and the film business. So how can I be a part of something when my whole being is resisting?

And I'm so sick of being at everyone's disposal. It's like okay, here's the unemployed person so since she's just sitting around the house, then she can do this. The worst part is I feel like the help I'm volunteering or just being volunteered for isn't really about me; it's about what everybody else can get. Sure, I like to be helpful and charitable. Don't get me wrong, but in the long run, this isn't really helping me; it's helping you. So once again, I have nothing to call my own. When am I going to be able to call the shots on my own life? And now that I'm kinda in the position to do so, I still don't feel anymore responsible, comfortable, or content in all of this.

Everyday's Groundhog Day. I'm repeating the same thing everyday and it's beyond annoying. I can't live like this anymore. I was just telling a friend that yesterday. I can't take this anymore. And I'm tired of not really feeling allowed to state my true feelings. My mom says I internalize stuff too much. Well the last time I tried to verbalize how I felt, I was told I'm overreacting or it'll be okay. Trust in God. Yeah that maybe true, but your discussing my future. I need to know what's going to happen in my present.

And that's why I'm in a bs frame of mind.

What I Want: The Greatest Mystery

So I've said this a couple of posts before, but I'll say it again:

I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

Oh, I have some lifelong fantasy of becoming a published author and adapting my books in to screenplays (a mix of Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling you could say).

But in the immediacy of all this, I don't know what I want to do now. I'm not interested in telemarketing, network marketing, waitressing, working in the mall, or being someone's assistant if I could be so blunt. These are things I don't want to do, but as you can see, I haven't stated what I want to do.

It's occurred to me that I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what I want to do (job and careerwise). I just seem to get into things that either work or they don't. That's it. I'm not connected. I just do. And there in lies the problem. Sometimes I end up doing things because somebody else thinks it's a good idea or just because. I either go into it very cautious or not thinking at all. The problem is I've been too cautious lately because I don't know what to get into.

It's been two months and I'm still in the same place. My goal was to have something of my own by Sunday. That's less thatn 24 hours from now and I'm no closer to me than I was when the bottom fell from underneath me a year ago. I guess I expected to find some kind of foundation of my own and I still haven't seen it yet. I'm tired of this same story.

It's strange because a few posts ago, I felt empowered and like I'd seen some sense of renewal. Well I haven't, but it's a process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was I. I'm still a work on progress. I'm just jaded by this appearance of optimism I'm supposed to keep up with. It's tiring. It's worst than primping. It's a mask to a certain degree. I pride myself on honesty, but I'm not really sharing myself as much as I thought I did. When I do, I get this wave of "good advice" or "counseling." That's good and I even appreciate it. But sometimes I don't need counseling or a response; I just need someone to empathize. I need someone to just be in the same room with me. That's it.

This is a humbling experience, but it's heartbreaking too. Now I'm not so sure if I can attain some of the things I'd like to experience. Now I'm not sure if my cynicism or pessimism is being realistic or vice versa.

It's scary because I feel incomplete. I want to be full, not just feel it.

And I still don't know what I want to do.

To Be Happy: A Subjective Definition

For the past few days, I've thougt about what exactly makes me "happy." I think it's such an abstract and normative term that we've forgotten what it means to us individually. "Happy" seems to be just an adjective and not an action verb. That's kind of depressing if you really think about it. I guess happiness is a choice and a lot of us don't choose, but at the same time, what is it exactly?

Things that inspire me:

• cinema of all genres (national/international)
• a really good book
• peep to heels and retro fashion
• the intellectually stimulation (categorizes all of the above)

Yeah, that's well and good, but does it really make me "happy"? So here's the question: What is "happiness" to me?

I don't know in all honesty. I've seen "happy or happiness" framed as this temporary spurt of emotion that lasts as long a commercial break. So for it to be prolonged, does it then mean something else? "Joy" perhaps? But then what is that?

I've been trying to figure out what makes me happy. I think if I figure that at then I can actually show some semblance of human emotion. I've been dwelling in the emotionally neutral for the last two months. The first few months of this year seemed to be filled with some sense of excitement and urgency because I finally figured out something God was trying to tell me. Maybe the reason I'm so neutral is because I've stopped listening. I guess I'm still looking for an answer I've been waiting on since last year.

Maybe this is why I haven't really felt a sustainable sense of "happiness." I still haven't really figured it out for myself.

When the experiences of the list I gave above end, it's like I need that high again. I'm addicted to the experience and the surge of positive stimulation.

But I guess you can't be high forever.

What Do I Do Now?

So I'm sitting here thinking of what type of career I want. I've gone through the classic, cliched descriptions all of us have gone through: something I enjoy, something fun, something that I can progress in, something that allows me to provide amply for myself, and on and on. I think one reason why it's been so difficult to find a job (outside of the most obvious reason of the economy) is because I'm not as sure of myself as I thought I was.

Then a thought occured to me: I don't really know what I want to do.

I have two degrees, both in areas in communications, and I still don't know what I want to do now. (At least until I can become a best-selling fiction author an write the screenplays for film adaptations of my books.)

This is a bit disappointing because then I realized I don't think I've ever been sure of what I want to do until I reach those enormous goals I've not actually set but at least have thought about. Then it donned on me that I haven't necessarily framed goal-setting as something active. If I wanted to do something, I just did it.

That scares me a bit because now I know the difference between a dream and a goal. I have many dreams for myself, even fantasies, but I haven't really set any goals.

I've always known I could write and I am very imaginative. But I only recently considered being an author for a living. I knew I wanted to go to college because "education is very important." When I went to college, all I knew was that I wanted to write. Then I realize I really didn't want to be a journalist like my degree option suggested. (I re-realized over the past month that after all this freelance research, I still don't want to be a journalist. But I'll make an exception for feature writing. I loved that class in undergrad. Muchas gracias to Dr. David Bennett at the University of Southern Mississippi.) The grad school became an option. I initially didn't want to go, but the recruiters for the McNair Scholars Program were all over the place my first two years in undergrad. Then I decided to look in to it more and hopped to it. I didn't know what to expect, but then I was accepted. I spent two years writing a thesis on minorities employed by mainstream newspaprs. Then I had a connection to Penn State and applied. (Mind you I didn't even know what grad school to go to.) I was accepted. It took me two years to finish a 120 page thesis on racial performance in film. I was planning to go on for a Ph.D. there and become a professor because I got this revelation about becoming a teacher, but something happened:

My fervor was dying, there was no funding, the other schools I applied to sent rejection letters, and I didn't trust anyone (especially after a rather alarming experience with a couple of university employees).

So now what?

I ended up doing all these things I really wasn't interested in doing, but they did serve a beneficial purpose. It reawakened my thirst for expression. It only occurred through a different route. I didn't get to do much reading or writing of the non-academic kind, but it taught me how to love pen and paper more. It taught my that thinking out of the box is more exciting than thinking in it. This all taught me that I enjoy creating a fantasy and a story versus looking for one.

I realize now more than ever that I'm not interested in finding a story; I want to create one.

I've even dreamed movie trailers for historic dramas that don't exist. I've found a new love in vintage imagery and fashion.

And again, now what?

I've become more interested in creating an image and not just critiquing it.

Now what?

I've realized I want to live in New York and Italy to be around the culture, literature, film, and fashion.

Now what?

How do I get to all this?

What do I do now?

What goals do I need to set?

I told someone a few weeks ago that life hasn't turned out as I'd hoped. I just remember saying I was supposed to be engaged and working some fabulous job I loved. Then it donned on me that that wasn't necessarily true. Why, you ask?

The wishful engagement is correct, but I never really knew what job I wanted growing up. I just knew I like books and movies and I'm really imaginative. That's it. I was even inspired by James Cameron to think about becoming a film director.

I've had more dreams of lifestyle grandeur than anything. I just became aware that I can actually help people in some way. Service was never a major concern for me. It concerns me more now, but all the things I said I wanted to volunteer for since I moved haven't happened because I haven't taken the time to be of service. I'm so concered with getting to where I think I want to be.

I don't even want to volunteer for anything now because the last time I did that, I died on the inside while everyone else was getting the aid they needed. I didn't feel complete in serving others like I thought I would. This isn't to say I'm not charitable; oh,  I do have some ideas for helping the community. I just don't know how to start.

And now I'm back to the question I've been asking myself for the last year:

What do I do with my life now?

None of the jobs I've applied for actually interest me, if I could be so honest. I just need a paycheck and something to do until I get to my fantasy of granduer. I don't want to go to school and get yet another degree. The two I have right now haven't exactly gotten me anywhere (or at least where I think I want to be).

It's been months and I still don't know what to do.

Changer de Le Coeur

So here I am in this remained state, stagnant and ready to abate at all cost
I must escape as there is need to be free
real and verite
A constant stream of disappointment and redemption
And yet again I am saved
By Grace
For His namesake

Even in the midst of this concentration
Meditation and prayer for the Above
Crying and hurt
Tears and dirt
I decided to make a change of heart

You see a change is a choice
Salvation is a matter of acceptance
Love is an action
And a decision is not just a moment for failure
But space to renew

So I've decided to live in His renewal
Marinate in the transformation of my mind
Let it be his good and perfect will
Not mine

May yours be mine and mine be yours

No more is there heartache and heartbreak
Because to mend it is a choice

Bondage is not just an involuntary entrapment
It is the comfort zone of my iniquity
and fear
and independence
and lust
and unforgiveness

Bondage is where I used to be until I had a
Change of heart
I said today is my new day
As every day is a vessel for the new dew
that is in the morning

My morning has come
And joy is overrunning
Spilling into my being

Contentment
My heart is no longer blue
but red with the pumping of my innards
my inner being
my soul

My heart is yellow, the glow of sunshine
It is wet with the rain of a new spring
A new beginning

Nothing can stop me now

This is just some spewing of the mind. I woke up this morning and didn't even know I was gonna make the change of heart. You see, a post ago, I was wallowing in my state of disappointment and frustration. And a friend told me something that I didn't want to accept much less implement. She talked about contentment, something I'm not sure I've every truly known. I said a prayer and relaxed into HIS word. And the vomitting from my mouth and spirit was not of heartache, but of a desire for renewal and to be set free from myself.

It was a scary hour, but because of se changer de le coeur, I see a newness that I've always wanted but was too afraid to seek. I see a newness that is of new wine, no longer torn and easily broken.

Take it from me, change is a matter of choice. All too often we decide to remain in bondage and claim the bondage as a stronghold against our will. Some of these times we like to remain slaves to ourselves. That was me. That still is me. But I've decided to begin se change de le coeur and let it be free. I can let my heart be black and blue anymore.

She needs to heal.

Change of Heart and Mind?... Damn!

So I'm still living in the soon to be 12 year frame of mind: I can't let go of the future long enough to appreciate what I have today.

Yeah, I said it.

I've only thought of one thing ever since I was in middle school and that is to have a career. Yes, I thought about marriage and kids but that wasn't until my freshman year in college. But I've always wanted to work and build a name for myself in this world. I've also been running from this invisible demon called childhood experience I don't want to repeat some of the lack as an adult. (I don't think I had as tramautizing a childhood as others, but I don't want to relive the where's the water for 2 months, where's my father, and why is mama so upset can't we pay rent? moments.)

I've always had a passion for expression and I've realized last year that it has been stifled for the past 4 years because of school. That's been frustrating in itself. I've had writer's block for years and writing is my passion. It's the most immediate form of communication I first new I could perform. Now as a mid-20 something I'm trying to revamp the skill and let this passion re-emerged as it has done so in the last 6 or 7 months.

I have one problem: I haven't blown up like James Ellroy, Toni Morrison, or even Carrie Bradshaw (she has become new inspiration since 12 hours ago).

I've had a trying time this past year (literally the anniversary is today) and I've had some dark moments. My old roommate even said she new I was depressed before I even realized it. Then after much prayer and family consultation (not to mention God's still voice), I decided to move back down south.  But my mind- or heartset still hadn't changed. I'm still living for the future.

I was talking to my Bro-N-Law a few weeks ago and he encouraged me to live in the moment. He said I will get where I want to be eventually and to just focus on God. A friend of my said be content.

I've never been one who lives for the day or content. I'm a dreamer and a planner. My fellow DP's know what I'm talking about. Nothing is every enough.  We're never truly satisified because we're always searching for the next big thing and the next project.

I took what they said to heart but it was really upsetting. Mainly because that means I have to adapt and step out of my comfort zone. I like to think I'm adaptable and comfortable with being uncomfortable. The truth is I'm not as much as I thought I was.

The even bigger truth is I don't want to truly surrender to God's will. If I had my way I would be interviewing Bradley Cooper about his transition form The Hangover to The A-Team or Monique about sweeping all the awards for her role in Precious. I would have my own syndicated talk show about the sociopolitical value of popculture and have Spoken Word artists spit in my mike. I would be making plans to attend New York and Milan Fashion Weeks this year. I would also be working for Reelz Channel and talking to Robert Redford about his relationship with the late Paul Newman and the Sundance Film Festival.

But what am I doing right now? You really want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm nursing allergy and sinus problems, looking for a job, looking for a job, looking for a job, babysitting, helping my sister and Bro-N-Law take a load of the kids and cleaning, looking for a job, looking for a job, praying, and looking for a job.

I wish someone told me that this could possibly happen to me. People say go to school and get an education. Then get an internship and get a job. I've done two of these things and I'm still unemployed. I even read an article yesterday on Yahoo that says that advanced degrees are becoming an obstacle for us unemployeds because these degrees mean we demand a higher salary. With a weak economy, companies are more willing to hire someone with a Bachelor's because it is cheaper to hire them than someone with a Master's or Ph.D.

Depressing isn't it. No wonder I have two degrees and I am still jobless. (Or I haven't found the job that suits me and that I will be CONTENT {the dreaded C-Word} with).

Then I thought I just may need th change my mind- and heartset. I can't live in frustration, disappointment, and fear anymore. If I do, I'll never get anywhere much less to the career and lifestyle I want to achieve. I'll never be complete in God if I don't just let it go. But it's heard I don't really want to.

I guess that means I don't trust God as Much as I thought I did. I haven't entirely made the decision to just live in the now and appreciate what I have. I could be homeless. I could have no family. Somebody out there has less than I do. I remember a friend telling me she has other friends who are in their 30s and still living at home with parents and not by choice. They're unemployed and just as frustrated as I am. Now with this 5 year age gap closing in I figure I need to be thankful because I promise I will not still be living with family when I'm 30 by God's will.

So I realize I need to change. It's just a matter of taking the first step. Part of me thinks the reason why nothing has happened is because I haven't taken the first step. That same friend told me about someone else she knows who is a wonderful musician. This person isn't hung up on trying to get to the next thing but is leaving everything she can't control up to God. This person is also working with other people in the music industry. This person hasn't hit it big, but she's with people who have a heart for music like she does and doors are opening.

I wonder if doors are not opening for my as fast as I'd like them to because I don't have that mindset of "Let Go, Let God"? Or have doors opened but I'm just not walking through?

I tend to focus on the lack and the negative more than want I have and the positive. Part of it is fear because nothing is enough.

But I have to choose life and do so soon. I don't want to prolong what God has for me because I can't let go of disappointment.

Just because you're Christian doesn't mean you don't get disappointed.

Don't let other Christian's fool you.

The F Word: Forgiveness

I recently received a few emails and forgiveness (in the Christian sense). It seems that it is a subjective term with a subjective definition.

You see, what I mean is forgiveness seems to be framed as this all remitting and all renewing concept. It is for the forgiver, but that doesn't necessarily give someone license to roll back into your life after what they've done.

Forgiveness is letting go, but it doesn't always mean letting in. Especially after you've lived the same rerun of events time and time again.

Now thinking of it in the Christian sense, yes we should forgive. Even when it is the most difficult. But does that mean we should let the same spirit of strife, lack, division, and emotional disease back into our lives.? I think not.

I remember watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show a few years ago and Maya Angelou was a guest. She spoke of how she once met a descendent of the slaveowner who owned her ancestors. She said she forgave that history and that person, but that didn't mean they needed to be best friends.

Sometimes its best to move on.

Sometimes its best to not have the person in your life.

And remember, just because someone isn't interested in reliving or renewing a relationship with someone that doesn't mean they are living in unforgiveness. It means she are smart enough to move on from something or someone she know is not going to change.